Leading into Life

Time to pack up

2010-01-04T22:50:00.001-08:00

Moving on.... haven't been inspired to write a blog in a while. Have an idea for a new theme and thinking of starting fresh at a new address with a new perspective.....

coming soon

http://seekingpollyanna.blogspot.com/

Conquering Headcase

2009-10-11T21:26:00.000-07:00

Headcase

omg WHAT am I doing? I'm not going to know what to say! I have nothing to say! I'm going to say the wrong thing! I'm going to break them! They are going to think I'm an idiot and regret that they gave up time on a Thanksgiving weekend for me.

Headspace

Ok what truly went on here was a victory of sorts. Backstory: I have been involved in a hobby for about 11 years. For about the previous 5-6 years I have been longing to get into the coaching side of the hobby. I've done some little stuff and always felt that I might be pretty good at it. Well, this weekend was a culmination of almost a year ago taking a bit of a risk by contacting the director of a chorus to see if they would be interested in having me come and coach.... yes for free. I was trying to gain experience and hey I figured if I sucked that at least all it cost them was giving up a day. Truthfully I didn't have a lot of "experience" to offer them either.

Well after many moments of "I don't think this is going to happen" it finally did AND I gotta say... I was pretty DAMN good. This from someone who has often had trouble saying.. yeah I'm good. But I truly felt like I was able to give them tools, I really think I inspired them in some stuff, I had them in tears (good ones) like THREE times. I helped them connect to each other as fellow chorus members and I think, helped inspire confidence in themselves. I got some great comments from the chorus members, I got some cool little gifts from the chorus and the quartets I also coached.

So I'm at home, exhausted but kinda pleased with myself.

One little tip on what I did was before I entered the building I just took a minute to throw it out to the universe to allow me to saw and do what came to me, to see their need and allow the universe to tell me what it was I needed to do. Gotta say that worked pretty well.

Yay me!

AND I have to say, it was a much needed boost for me. Over the past while I've really found my confidence flagging in myself, as a performer, as a teacher in this genre (with my chorus) and wondering if perhaps I needed to step back because I couldn't offer what was needed.

I can't say that I know whether I will be coaching again any time soon, I would like to but I think for know it was enough to know that YES I CAN and whether it happens again or not I know I did it this time.

P.S.

2009-09-20T21:56:00.001-07:00

Still take those risks man! you can always change your mind but you'll never know if its right if you never try.

Surrounding

2009-09-20T21:45:00.000-07:00

Headspace

When gets overwhelmed with "busy", in order to keep the sanity going it seems imperative to put your head down and take one step at a time. Well I've been doing that and it seems to be working, I've remained calm and still energized in the face of an overwhelming learning curve. I take small bites and feel like I can be competent down the road.

Headcase

Well despite all that there are some downsides:

I'm sick for the first time in over a year
I am feeling very disconnected from people in my life. I just feel like I don't have the energy to do more than basic communication. Truth is I miss everyone but and also kinda feel like I don't want to to talk to anyone
I don't know how I'm going to get through the next 4 weeks. I am out until 10-11 at least 3 nights a week and don't have a free weekend until the end of October.

hmmm that's it though, it will all be fine breathing, breathing, that's all I'm doing, breathing

Leaping into the abyss

2009-08-24T18:02:00.000-07:00

Headspace

Taking a chance and taking it step by step, day by day. In the face of a daunting new job description, I can only focus on what day 1 then day 2 bring not the entirety of the expectation. For that would be beyond overwhelming. It's very scary taking a step into the unknown but scaring yourself is really the only way to grow. Having come to accept how bored I get easily I need to be stimulated with new things. Therefore taking jobs which I already know I can do is a lovely recipe for ZZZZZ. Truth is I've proven to myself again and again that I can take on challenges and figure stuff out when I don't know. When was the last time I was faced with an opportunity of unlimited growth? How many times in the past have I turned away because its been beyond scary but I blame it on something else? hmmmm food for thought. This is definately (scared) a familiar reaction but this time... bring it on... I am a fearless woman creating light and energy

Headcase
AARRRRRHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Foundations

2009-08-09T23:19:00.000-07:00

Headspace

Ok just back from another great weekend at Foundations where I have spent a second weekend helping facilitate. This time I was in the weekend 2 room where one of the processes is helping people put words to their purpose. There is something so amazing about talking to people, delving into things that have made them feel great and helping them find their own words to their purpose, watching their faces light up as they say certain words or tears over a particular wonder moment. Watching them have moments of peace in finding that they often do things already that are on their purpose. That they can focus on being on purpose more now that they can define what that is.

For me there is so much growth in taking the focus off myself and focusing on other people and seeing where they are at and how they grow and how they learn things through each stage, the laughter and the tears. I'm so grateful I've been able to add this to my life.

Headcase

*Please note that Headcase is temporarily closed having had its azz severely kicked this weekend, it is currently in hiding and on mute. SO.THERE.

Frantic Circles

2009-08-03T21:04:00.000-07:00

Headspace

Some action has been happening in my life on the work front. For the first time in 3 years I am considering a permanent job (I KNOW). I've been doing a lot of work on throwing it out to the universe and letting go of any reliance on the outcome. "Universe, I trust in you, I will take the step forward, if this is the step you would have me do then I will move forward in this job should it come to me. If this isn't my next step then do not allow it in my life (i.e. do not have it "offered to me) and I will know that something better is waiting and work towards that.

So releasing, letting go of any judgement on the outcome so that should it happen, or should it not happen, I know I'm ok and that I'm still meant to do something great.

AND another huge idea is....even if this isn't the be all or end all of my life.... at least TRY something different. Give it a chance, approach it wil open heart and open mind, you cannot fail because even if it doesn't work out you are no better off then you were before. All "mistakes" are just learning.

Wow.. that's deep

Headcase

OMG what the HECK do you think you are doing? Did you hear them describe this job? you can't do this? remember they said those magical words of hell "detail oriented" and "passionate about systems" really? could you be passionate about systems? you haven't found a man to be passionate about.... would the system come battery operated? YES!!!??

What if your references tell them about the purple wart on your third toe, then what will they think of you. Everyone will know you are a loser.

What if you don't get this job? your career will be over... what if you GET this job? your career will be over.... is that my tail?... almost got it.... is that my tail? I better chase it some more... is that my tail........ its getting away!!!

O

Walking the line on two realms

2009-07-21T22:42:00.000-07:00

Headspace

I have been doing an awesome job lately of really focusing on doing bits of self improvement each day either through positive thinking, reading/listening good stuff, journalling, meditating etc. For the most part it is working really well. I feel very positive, I feel great things are going to happen in my life in terms of work and I'm getting a little more belieiving that I can start knocking some walls down and creating good things in my life. I have seen signs of of some possible opportunities and have had the strength to turn things down that no longer feel like they fit in my life even though they live in the realm of my old "shoulds".

So yay me!

Headcase

So oy! dealing with a sitch. I have a friend that I am in a co-leadership role. Our working styles aren't the most conguent but we've worked really hard to forge (I thought) a working relationship with open communication. However a couple of times we've had converstations that felt rational and came to courses of action. Then I get an email a few days or a week later saying she feels I don't trust her or listen to her opinion, that she felt strongly about something and I ignored her.. in the meantime she also says "but its not important" or... "do what you think is best". Ok seriously grow a back bone... if you expect me to sit back and lay a bed of roses for you to delicately walk upon.. you'll be waiting a while. There is a lot more history SO not worth repeating.

I will say I've several times done what she has asked in terms of "she feels need for room to grow".. biting my lip a lot over stuff I'm not seeing dealt with so that she can "learn from her mistakes". Patience of Job I tell ya so to be acussed again is totally steaming my wheaties if ya know what I mean.

So yup I could totally be in the wrong .. but dude...not gonna deal no more.. you are harshing on my guru, sunshine, granola eating mellow that I'm working on like a fine tan.... and ain't nobody gone make me shove my light back under the bushel (not sure what good a light in a bushel would be anyway).

Peace Out

Things aren't always what they seem

2009-07-18T23:01:00.000-07:00

Headspace Lisa

So today I took a great step in terms of allowing myself to go and investigate something even though I had doubts running through my head. But I had my "just try it" running through my head. Therefore, despite a lack of sleep and despite the real hmmmm running through my head, i went out and attended this workshop looking into some career possibilities.

What I was able to do was to be honest and say, this isn't for me AFTER* I listened. I looked deep and didn't allow myself to get swayed by $ or enthusiastic people. I looked deep and told my truth so yay me.

Headcase Lisa

These people are freaks and full of shite. Oh look at them wahh wahh when its all crap in what they are telling themselves. Who do they think they are? Who do I think I am.... is that a fly? oh look my nail polish is chipping. Do you think they'd notice if I'd fall asleep. All this woowoo stuff is seriously harshing my mellow dude. How can I not just live in average.... I own the passport after all. Woohoo LUNCH TIME.

Just TRY it!!!!

2009-07-14T23:21:00.000-07:00

My new mantra for this life. I spend a lot of time second guessing and talking myself out of doing stuff because, I'm not sure its right or I "can't picture it".

Well here is the dealio, where has that gotten me? Um not far, kinda spinning my wheels, doing stuff that I know I can do but that don't light my butt on fire.

So just TRY (or as Foundations would say, give my best effort to). Who's cares if its the wrong thing! If its the wrong thing then I can scratch it off my list, but at least I can do that from the point of knowing rather then a point of conjecture. Funny how I gave this speech to my nephew a few months ago yet have such a difficulty applying this idea to myself.

So there you go, my lecture for today. Just try, give it ago, jump in and get wet, if it doesn't work, get out and get a towel but don't just stand on the side of the pool looking at everyone frolicking.

Shifting Gears and Turning the boat

2009-07-13T12:44:00.000-07:00

Now that I've acknowledged that I'm in this path to shift my life (rather then just reading up methods on how to do it). It's time to put some of this stuff into action (hahahahahahaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!) ok sorry, wait....breathe).

So, one of the things I remember reading is that in order to turn a boat you can't just crank it over, you have to make small adjustments at a time using the rudders. So that's what I intend to do. Commit to daily small adjustments of my rudders so that without putting myself into a straight jacket, sometime I will find myself leading a more on purpose life then I do now.

My list today consisted of getting contact off to 3 people to get together and talk.

1. is a former colleague who has a lot of parallels in my life in strange ways though we are nothing alike. Just feel a need to sit down and talk about shifts.
2. The other two people are in fields that I may potentially want to work in so I want to get together and just learn a bit more about what they are doing and how they got there and see where that leads.

Tomorrow my goal is to research some certification programs for software training (a potential 3rd area of exploration for me).

I was recently listening to a session by Jack Canfield which had tons of good stuff (and I need to relisten again) but he talked about taking an hour a day to focus on self. This may not be 100% correct, as I said I have to go back and listen but split the hour as follows: 20 minutes in some sort of mental/spiritual refresh i.e. meditation, prayer, journalling etc, 20 minutes doing something physical: yoga, walking, and 20 minutes organizing (ok I'm not sure about the last one.)

I haven't sat down and planned it all out yet but my goal is to take at least 2-3 steps a day, even if its minor ones, to move forward. Stop "thinking" about it, stop just "reading" about it and do it.

Update: Ok the 3rd 20 minutes isn't "organizing". Though I believe that to be a huge freudian slip on my part. The 3rd 30 minutes is for self improvement mental stuff i.e. reading stuff on self help or management or how to be a better brain or whatever. So Mental/Physical/Spiritual. For this week I need to 1. review a couple of audiobooks i.e. this session (mental) 2. get out walking (Physical) 3. Listen to some meditation CD's I bought (Spiritual). I'll let you know how I do.

Shut the duck up

2009-05-31T19:07:00.000-07:00

This is something I'm sure I wrote about before. A concept a coach I know(Jan Carley) taught. Basically it was about how the negative thoughts (self-defeating thoughts) are constantly bombarding you... your inner critic. Her visual was to picture this as a duck quacking at you. This helped in a few key elements:

1. When you start to hear the critiques come in you can just substitute a quacking noise in your head. Kinda has the same affect as the teacher from Charlie Brown "wah wah wah"
2. Picturing a little ducky yaking at you has a lovely impact of taking away the power of what's being said.. ok seriously its a duck, are you really taking advice from a duck?
3. You get to say... "shut the duck up" which of course is highly amusing in and of itself which also serves to take away the power of the critique.

Where this came up for me is because, I've noticed tonight I'm naysaying some stuff in my head that was beginning to get me excited. I was finally feeling free enough last week and having some ambitious freeing thoughts as to what I might go and what I might do in my life. I'm feeling tonight a little bit of the "who do you think you are" syndrome. And suddenly.. a picture of a duck popped in.

Yes I do deserve to do things I'm passionate about, yes I do deserve to NOT do the things I am not passionate about, Yes I don't need to feel guilty, or be made to feel guilty for not doing the things that suck my energy and my life force. I am not serving myself and furthermore I am robbing the world of whatever it is that has been placed within me to give (not "mine" you notice). Thanks ducky!

Positive Encoding

2009-05-22T15:12:00.000-07:00

I found this article yesterday…

http://www.oprah.com/article/relationships/dating/200902_omag_making_your_own_luck

…about making your own luck. It starts off seeming to be aimed towards creating opportunities to meet someone but I think the ramifications of what she is saying go deeper then that. Ignoring the disturbing similarities of her lift compared to mine (well ok I’m NOT a workaholic) I’ll look to the larger context of how what she is talking about can impact your life.

Basically in a nutshell the article talks about how despite the best of intentions about what you may want to do you may “forget” in the moment of doing, what your intent was. (i.e. going to buy milk and coming home with everything but). However, through the use of “encoding” you can obtain a much higher success rate

Certainly this concept is nothing new: visualization, law of attraction.. weight watcher calls in mentally rehearsing however I like the different twist on it. For most of those others, it always seemed to me that there was a specific thing in mind, space in time etc. i.e. I’m going out for dinner tonight, I picture me ordering broiled chicken and steamed veg.

Absolutely that could have just been my interpretation, however what I’m reading into it now is that by visualizing you are creating the space in your mind for random things to happen. Take for example the incident in the article where she walked into a drycleaners and her life changed. That’s not what she visualized but she what she was picturing the day before was who she wanted to be 10 years down the road which set her mind up for allowing the things into her life, and awareness that would allow her to notice opportunities as they presented themselves.

I love the example of the 2 people going to a coffee shop. So true! I often think about an example she put forth about how some people seem to meet people everywhere, i.e. taking a flight and talking for 4 hours to your seatmate. Me? I rarely if ever meet someone on a plane. Truth is I always though it was a random thing. But in truth I stock up on books, I have my ipod, I am always ready to shut the world out… so I do.

Innnnnnnnteresting and wondering how the heck to put some of what she talks about into action. But I love it and something think about and something to play with. I’m not going to stop being somewhat introverted, I gain energy in solitude. However, I can play with balancing that better with being open to the opportunities.

Hmmmmmmm

Enough Already

2009-05-19T15:31:00.000-07:00

Having enough, being enough, saying enough. I have enough, I operate from a position of power. Feels weird to say that, don’t it? I read this “daily motivator last week” http://greatday.com/motivate/090512.html

I think this quote hit me the hardest:
“Fully enjoying the first piece of cake does not prevent you from having a second. Yet obsessing over whether or not you'll get another piece will always prevent you from enjoying what you have”

I truly do obsess about the next thing rather then just enjoying it, or as I’m “enjoying it”… I AM thinking of the next bite.

There is a lot more in this concept that I have enough for me to explore because I truly don’t feel that way and therein lies some dissatisfaction.

My friend sent me a quote the same day, it talked around how whatever you are doing will never be complete, what we want will never be finished. After some discussion she pointed out to me that I was interpreting that as “I’m never going to get what I want” Woah.

I think just a mirror upon some scarcity thinking I have running around in my files 1) that I don’t have enough and 2) I’m never going to get what I want.

If you were to ask me consciously if I think that, I would have said that in my “new path” no I don’t think that but having had that shown back to me it looks like I have some more old tapes in my junkyard that I need to set fire to, to clear out.

Are you feeling dissatisfied?

It never rains but pours

2009-05-07T20:51:00.000-07:00

An interesting week to say the least.

I had an inspriring weekend watching people change their lives, get clear on what they want and being there to guide and be present for them. Amazing what happens when you make a difference for someone else AND be clear that you were there just as conduit for whatever the universe had in store.

Also a couple of losses, my parent's cat. To those of us with pets we know they are a part of the family and it is hard to let go. Also hard to watch my Dad hurting, just a reminder the even the big gruff guys need their safe places to experience their loss.

My friend's Mom then passed away yesterday. Actually I considered the Mom a friend. Connected to her through singing she was an amazing strong woman, a woman who ran her own business, travelled the world, had a huge circle of friends, a strong family and a positive attitude. She was strong in her opinions and was very clear about who she was. She is someone to remember with love and respect and to take the things I so admired about her and fashion my life to achieve the things for myself that I admired in her.

Another lesson was making sure I got a message to her, in the nick of time about just what I said above. Saying the things to the people while they have a chance. Knowing that I made her smile and feel good in her last day in this world before she went to the next brings some comfort to my heart. I know that her family is hurting lots and in whatever I can be there for my friend, I want to be. Rest in Peace Sharon.

In more mundane matters, part of the result of the weekend was making follow up calls. Not my favorite thng to do. I admit I have a "thing" about phoning people. I often have to psych myself up to do it. But I pushed through and did what I needed to know. A little thing. But its those little things that will build and help me achieve larger dreams as I fully open myself to them and allow my dreams to be my reality.

I also had some HUGE messages from the universe today. Just in reading a friend's words and identifying something I saw. Whatever I wrote just seemed to pour out of me as if it really wasn't coming from me, I was just passing on a message. Her response was to ask me if I had considered being a life coach. The weird thing is when I had read this I had just finished having a conversation about some of the things I want to explore as being possible things I would like to work in. Life coach was one of them but not in true sense. I know that isn't exactly the right thing but it was part of the discussion. In particular somehow helping people shape their lives and identify behaviour and thoughts that hold them back and make them less confident in themselves. So to sit down and read that question from my friend, just seemed synchronicity that I am on the right path of exploration.

I wrote to ANOTHER friend: "I know I am here to touch people's emotions, I know I am here to give people hope, I am here to Create Light and Energy " I don't know how this will manifest itself yet, and I'm ok with that. I have some idea of channels: through writing, through performing, through speaking publicly but in what manner and what specific message I don't know. AND I'm ok with that. The fact that I'm open enough to even allow that to come in, is a MAJOR win for me and a huge shift in the last couple of years.

I also said to her, I understand now why I've struggled so long and seemed to have this life that doesn't seem normal (being alone, not being involved with anyone for years on end, being stuck within my own thoughts over and over again in a place of darkness). In order to be able to create light and energy, I needed to understand the dark. I needed to be so overwhelmed that at times I thought there was no hope of the light. Only through that experience can I offer to anyone else that I understand the dark and I can say yes there was light, and it can be found for anyone.

This became clear as I have been reading a book "The Dream Giver" I truly recommend this for anyone who thinks that they are just another ordinary person, that a big dream is not for them, that its for "special" people. I stand here to say to anyone.... Its for all of us.

So let it rain...... pour down.... soak me with whatever messages that need to come.

I am here saying "yes"

Just in Time

2009-04-28T21:05:00.000-07:00

http://www.oprah.com/article/omagazine/200904-omag-beck

I ran across this article last week by one of my favorite coach/writers Martha Beck (geez, have I mentioned her enough?)

Intriguing to me because Just In Time is certainly a concept that I too studied in business school. Certainly understood it in terms of business or something ..."out there", never something I've applied to myself.

I thought it was a good thing, those cans of mushrooms in my cupboard. Look! I can whip together a pot of chili just with a can opener. Oh you mean its not a good thing?

Oh sure, in terms of emergency it is definitely good to have the supplies necessary to be prepared but I never thought of the fact of the time, energy, money tied up in things around my house, around my body and around my relationships.

I think what is so cool about this article is that I see signs in all the areas she talks about where I am holding onto stuff trying to make it more. Just in case, have cans of whatever in the cupboards, have 3 rolls of tape because it was cheaper and you'll never know when I'll need it. Must have more clothes! Maybe I'll fit that again. I might have a need for green eyeshadow in just that shade. Hold onto that friend, maybe I should phone them again, send them another email.. why haven't they emailed me? Why do they treat me that way? but I can't afford to lose them. I feel like I'm pawing at them, pulling on their clothes, they can't get away.

What if I never get this food again? I better eat it up, its going to go bad. More more more.. oh some is left, eat it up, eat it up, eat it up, oh it's so good, eat more, what if I never get to have this again.

I certainly have affected some change in a few areas. I certainly recognized the pack rat in myself a few years ago and have been working on it. I've certainly improved in those areas (though I've never though of my pantry geez).

But I love what this is making me think about. Like how I think about love and relationships.... how freeing is it to say "I love you and I don't care what you do". That sounds scary and that I'm allowing anyone to walk all over me. Not so! It is becoming clearer and clearer to me that I can still love someone, can consider them a friend but let them go. A healthy relationship is one where by letting go it grows stronger. A toxic relationship will by letting go, slip off into that good night. I know, I know duh "if you love someone set it free, if its yours it will come back to you". How about that old nugget, and damn its true. How much more relaxed I feel about a couple of relationships that were having issues a few weeks ago. They may remain active friends or they may slip away AND that's seriously ok with me. Doesn't mean I don't care about them and always will but it can only get stronger.

Now, money, oy that's a tough one. But focusing on the abundance thing is so true and so important. Getting wrapped up in not feeling enough or needing more. Learning to trust in myself, that I have the ability to generate what I need to generate and to forge ahead with discovering those secret longings in my tummy as what I need to listen to, not "I need more money or a higher salary" the thing that I pushed aside for most of 20's. I was soooo security driven that I refused to explore things I could do because I didn't understand how I could make money or trust that it was possible. Still not sure on this one, its going to take a lot of work.

As for the "stuff", well I made a good step today in that I know people fundraising by collecting clothes, so I dug deeper into my closet then ever. Then I cleaned out my towels....I know, I know you can never have too many towels. Except yes you can. I am only one person... how many can I really go through? So as someone how has regularly given away clothes I have 2! bags of clothes. Just goes to show when you are really able to dig deep you can continue to find a way to clear.

I could go on more as this is really resonating with me. Just, for whatever reason, while I previously understood the concepts something feels more turned on about this right now.

Just in Time I would say.

Blooming

2009-04-19T19:06:00.001-07:00

I was looking at my street which has blossoming trees on it and noticing that the blooms don't seem to be coming and wondering if they were actually going to bloom this year. I was thinking how sad it will be if due to some circumstances they skip a year of blooming.

It got me to thinking about people and their ability to bloom. The saying "don't die with your music still inside you", your "gifts" etc... whatever you want to call it. We know it happens. How tragic, how sad. How SCARY!

I was feeling for a while like such things may happen to me. Which is sad though truly for some reason I was feeling more sad for other people.

Certainly, a prime example which has been talked to death is Susan Boyle. What if, due to her appearance, her circumstances of being in a small Scottish town etc..... what IF she never got that chance to fulfill that dream of singing for a large group of people.

How WE would have missed out. For that reason I bawled. I also thought (speculated) about how her life might have been and what this means to her. Certainly I don't know her circumstances so purely speculation on my part. But what after 47 years of life getting this chance/shot finally expressing what you knew burned inside of you but for some reason was denied throughout your life.

That's why I love seeing people who obviously have some mileage on their treads getting a shot. I know people love to see the amazing kids and I totally agree they are amazing. I just prefer to see someone who is really cognizant of how "unusual" such a chance would be and finally getting a chance to shine after having something burning inside of you and perhaps despairing of ever letting it out. Or even worse, to be discontent and not know why because what is inside of you has been buried so deep its in full on denial.

So I pray tonight, I pray for those who have gifts, of those "ordinary" people who may have been overlooked time and time again to be able to release their "secret weapon". Not only for them but for the loss the world would feel should it never be expressed.

Do not die with your gifts burning inside.

Who would you be without your story?

2009-04-13T22:54:00.000-07:00

This message has come at me a couple of different ways, 1 through a blog I read which had a post about enjoying being a victim. The 2nd way was through Byron Katie's "The Work", the whole process of the Work is fascinating but what is speaking to me is when she asks.. "who would you be without your story?"

If you took away all the bad things that have happened to you, the times you were disappointed, ignored, put down, shoved aside, forgotten. What if you took away all the "good" stuff too. What if you couldn't use any of this stuff to tell other people who you are. Things you normally use to show how your character has been forged. Hi my name is Lisa and people used to call me fat, people have ignored me, I have travelled to many places, I have done this or that

Take all that away and and ask... who would I be without those things? They say you aren't your experience or the stories you have formed around those experiences. So... who would you be?

Gnawing at you

2009-04-11T22:52:00.000-07:00

Twisted and torn...

How much do you expect from your friends? What do you look to your friends for? Moral support? approval? do you expect them to tell you the truth, if you aren't as good as something as sliced bread but you are obviously passionate and keep trying. Or do you merely cheer them on and hope they come to the realization on their own? Where is it expecting too much of friends? What is the line?

And for yourself, what if something is gnawing at you, that you have a knowing that you are/could be phenomenal, in that you could move someone by doing something, that you feel most open and free. Yet ..... and yet.... the opportunity, situation in which to do that seems to be out of reach no matter how hard you try and message seems to keep coming back "don't, its not happening, you aren't right for this" but inside its seems to keep boiling up.

Not really sure how to get to the core of what the truth is. Questions just seem to keep boiling up.. and no real path is clear yet to come to the answers that are right for me.

Coming Up....

2009-04-06T11:57:00.002-07:00

So as you may have noticed, there has been a significant time passage since my last post. That was partially due to a lack of anything to say and also the feeling that there is something more I can/need to be doing with my blog.

I asked some friends what I should do as it always seems to be about "headspace". My friend pointed out that maybe that's what my blog should be about. I am laughingly thinking "Headspace vs Headcase - the fine line" or something along those lines.

It is still in the percolating stage so may be a while before this turns into anything but just to let you know.

When it is time to say goodbye

2009-04-06T11:57:00.001-07:00

I’ve been contemplating that this weekend when I look at a close friendship I once had. A transition has seemed to have occurred over the last year and a half. There is nothing wrong, we haven’t quarreled or anything. It just no longer feels like it fits. I think the change occurred on her side first in terms of I felt her withdrawing and I didn’t know why. Then we seemed to come back together and make a new plan for going forward. Except now it seems to require effort and work to keep in contact. We are very out of date with each others lives and that feels not important some how.

That surely is a signal to move on. I’m not giving up, I’m just redirecting my energies. I guess I was feeling that every relationship requires effort and it does. However, I think it was finally understanding, that by giving energy to one thing you are taking it away from something else. Therefore if I focused on giving energy to a relationship that seemed to be taking energy to maintain that I was not allowing room in my life for something else to come or blossom.

I have been pretty good about surrounding myself with people that are good for me so then it becomes difficult to say goodbye when it is not longer as good.

People talk about toxic relationships and those are hard enough to step away from but I think there is even a higher level/standard that needs to be maintained about who is in your life and where your focus and energy goes, in order to move on, grow etc. There is always the people that grow with or allow you space to move and change but there is also new energy that comes from allowing new experiences in your life.

and learning humility

2009-02-09T21:16:00.000-08:00

Ok so apparently "that which pleases me" hasn't kicked in through my spin and pilates class. Well learnin to just accept humiliation and letting go of that so that I can get healthier as I make dramatic moans in class "oh my rubber legs" to the fart AGAIN in Pilates.. then the unfunctioning abs and the mega leg cramps oncoming during the leg stretch moves.

Nice...

suck it up sweetie!

"I attract into my life only that which pleases me"

2009-02-09T18:47:00.000-08:00

Wouldn't that be cool?!!!

Just got off the phone from what I would call a first ever "life coach" session. I am very happy, it has brought me some clarity on where I am right now and how to move forward. Wow....

See I've been in this blah phase.. and its been circling in on itself making me feel worse, making me feel as if there was something wrong with me, making me feel as if all the "work" I've done on myself has been a waste.

In fact no, I am merely in what she termed a rest phase which presents itself as grey. We talked about how to take baby steps to prevent it cycling downwards but also to embrace it and love it and know that its not forever. It is merely occurring while the universe gathers what it needs so that I can enter an action phase of my life. What I'm shoring up my reserves for what is to come. I was not in fact "working" on myself the last few years but I was "gathering data" to gain clarity on what I want.

We also talked a lot about how to be still and gain clarity so that I can stop beating myself up for not knowing what I want.

How to phrase or think about the things I DO know I want. Part of that was her hearing something I was saying and getting me to admit to something I want. It's something which I have been afraid to admit I want. Oh I've said it in so many words but I definitely have some resistance about not feeling I "deserved" it or embarrassed to admit I want it but what if it doesn't show up? Lots of thinking for me to do and learning to be brave and bold. To be a spiritual warrior and just admit what I want.

For where I don't know what I want, asking for clarity and living within that space. Listening to my abdominal brain to gain clues as to my truths... not my brain or thoughts. Those do not have the answer.

So I think I was on the right track with my last few posts about allowing, letting go, surrender. Making peace with where I am at so that I can move forward. WOW what a lot of peace that gives.

Funny, something in me has been yelling "LET GO" for a couple of years now. Perhaps I can start listening sometime soon? I can remember distinctly in Australia when I was staying with some people, they used to play country music videos. The song "Jesus take the wheel" was played a lot and the lyric "I'm letting go" sang itself inside my head over and over.

So much to process... but feeling a glimmer of excitement that GREY is ok!! It's not that I haven't moved to a higher vibration, it is merely a resting point. I thank the universe for sending that message so that I don't continue to manifest the negative.

So be it, it is what it is....

Confessions of a self help addict

2009-02-01T17:50:00.000-08:00

Maybe its overkill.... maybe. The truth is, I am still going through big periods of struggling, maybe I always will. Big periods of feeling like an outcast, different, not worthy of success, or watching others get excited or hyped up and feeling...nothing.

So what do I do when I'm feeling like that or just plain sad? Well normally I wallow. I still kinda am but went an bought more "information" to read about getting down to my soul level. At some point I'm going to have to come out of theory and start putting into action.

How do you take action when "what you resist persists", what you give energy too comes back at you. Resistance is futile, so the Borg say so how does that help me.

By letting go, I need to just let go. It is what it is, it is what it is. So what is ok. Perhaps where I am at right now is not where I want to be. However, I will never get to where I want to be until I accept that what is here now is ok. Otherwise I will always be resisting the now and therefore creating it MORE and therefore cannot concentrate on manifesting the things I want more of in my life.

I am at times going to have thoughts that constantly beat me to the pulp, that cause me to feel like crap. I need to just let go and accept that those thoughts are there AND even more powerfully, understand that my thoughts are NOT me. They are based on old files, old stories. If I understand them for what they are then I can can begin to lose those thoughts, let go and accept them instead of resisting and then with love slowly question them (not try to change them).

Maybe I'm getting it, maybe its really about acceptance and handing over control and coming from a place of love rather then "fighting" to make myself "better" whatever that "better" is. I have a friend that reiterates that I am fine as I am, no matter what I'm feeling, I'm already perfect. Ok I can't quite go there but maybe I can trust that she has a point.

Still feeling a bit blue, a bit angry and a bit down. However, maybe its not as hopeless as it always seems to be. I just need to let go to understand what the universe/source/God (whatever you want to call it) has for me to do/be.

It is what it is. So be it.

yes and thank you

Thoughts on Weight

2009-01-23T16:47:00.001-08:00

I have been thinking a lot about my weight lately (as is everyone I’m sure). The truth is, I am starting to feel that my body has taken its first major downshift in my metabolism. While I have always carried an extra 40lbs, that weight has now ballooned to 50-60 lbs. It did so easily and I’m not returning to that previous point like I once did. So it is no longer “nice” if I could lose weight and change habits, it is now a necessity. I think I’m finally getting it, that its about health and not just vanity. I very much paid lip service to that before.

SO I should run right out and get going, eh? Better join back up with WW or JC or some other program. Woah, not so much. See I’ve also realized some other things, a KNOWING if you will. A KNOWING of how I will set myself up for failure if I throw myself into it gung ho. What is happening is that I ask myself the questions and see what gut reaction arises. How about I sign up for WW? How about I go back to JC? How about I cut my carbs? Maybe I should count everything?

If the feeling is dread, sadness, rebellion, feeling of imprisonment, then I know I’m not ready to surrender to that methodology and am doomed to fail. I have other work to do first to eliminate those barriers so that I can surrender to what I need to do.

There is no point in white knuckling, it doesn’t work. How do I know? --Because I’ve been down this path before. I’ve signed up or started regimens in the faint hope that just trying will change me. It will work for a few weeks but then the current willpower/motivation fades away and my rebel wins.

I have a very strong rebel reactor. I’ve come to realize that I have a belief that maybe food is the one area in my life I’ve allowed myself to rebel and I’m somehow thumbing my nose at society when I get into this rebel mode. “Oh yeah? Eat fruit/veg and lean protein? Well how about I order enough Chinese for 5 people and eat it all in one evening with 2nds and 3rds and 4ths? Look at me rebelling from prudent eating choices, look at me, I’m a wild and crazy woman wooooo” um, no, what I am, is a fat woman.

I don’t believe this is a fight, that its about willpower, white knuckling or being disciplined. I don’t think I have to overcome myself to be thin. What I do have to overcome is old stories and behaviours and habits that direct myself into eating and acting (or in the case of exercise – not acting) this way.

I don’t think my physical self with its primitive brain “wants/needs” to be this way. I have just sent it so many false signals and beat it up so badly with horrible messages that it doesn’t know what to act. It doesn’t know how to reason, it just needs to exist.

I don’t think my soul or myself at its truest essence (however you want to describe it), wants/needs to be fat. I just have to clear out all the garbage hanging out in my conscious and unconscious mind and really, really start listening so that I can lose weight out of love for myself, not out of fear.

So that I can finally surrender…. And be at peace with who I was meant to be

Thank you for my library card

2009-01-22T19:45:00.000-08:00

Time again for another graditude edition. Just been blah and yucky, not really out of it but I can feel myself spiralling so its time to focus on what IS going well and hope it all evens out in the end.

So first off my library card! I finally went and got my local library card about 3 months ago. I already have 2-3 cards from other library systems around the Vancouver area but I've been in Surrey 2 years, is about time. I LOVE to read schlock, I just do so, its great to get my fill, not have to waste my $ for a 3-4 hour speed and also you know recycle :-)

The GREAT part was this last time I got a CD set on a talk Wayne Dyer and Byron Katie, about thoughts etc. Just good stuff to listen to, really dovetailing into the philosophy and spirituality that I have been delving into, and its really been helping me to just listen for 10 minutes as I've been going through this grumpy period.

Next, thanks to my friend Patti who organizes a Young Women in Harmony weekend every year, and I'm so thankful that for the past several years she has thought enough of my talent to bring me in as faculty. This year I'll be teaching the girls choreography. Just so you know.... I'm spending the weekend with 45 girls between the ages of 13 and 23 LOL AND so looking forward to it.

Also thankful that my Valentine's quartet passed our audition last night so once again I will be out serenading "loved ones" with "What a Wonderful World". Yeah, not your typical schlocky love song... but I'm HAPPY about that. You know what they say "Those that can't (love) sing about it".

What else... I'm thankful I'm getting more into the swing of things at work. I have to work to keep my focus but rather then worrying and waiting to be fired I'm just working to keep myself on task, take breaks if I need to and rah rah my way through.

I'm grateful for my little buddy Hailey that, most nights when I am home curled up on the couch, 9 times out of 10 she is right there snuggled up.

I'm also grateful that I get to see my parents next week. There has been a time when it has seemed like a chore and they do seem to have a knack for finding times when I am busy. However, I have really come to realize how much my Mom is aging. I think with her dealing with cancer ("minor") and back surgery, using walkers and canes and hearing how tired she is, has me realizing as much as she can drive me nuts I better start appreciating these times. Maybe I'm also becoming secure enough in my paths and beliefs that diverge from my parents that I am ok being around them and not worrying about losing all that I've gained.

There hopefully that will start me on a upper path in my thoughts and my heart.

Theme for the year

2009-01-13T22:11:00.000-08:00

I've started back to work recently which is great for the pocketbook, but surprise surprise my energy seems to have hit rock bottom. Do feel that I'm fighting a bit of depression as well. Won't go into that but definately have some blahs happening.

In the meantime I have set my theme for 2009. See I read a newsletter from a life coach that I know and rather then setting a resolution, to set a theme for the year and select items to do that feed into that theme. So my theme for 2009 is "Extraordinary Health". Under that I have defined 3 areas this is to be reflected in: Physical, mental/emotional and financial. THEN under that I have a HUGE list of tasks or goals LOL, however I do feel it keeps me more defined.

I also did some brainstorming on my "perfect" life. Ok not perfect but the life I would like to work towards (I hate the word perfect... perfect ain't me honey!). I realize I've had a lot of trouble doing this in the past, a lot of fears about wanting something I can't have, or what if I get it and don't want it. What if, what if, what if.... so I took a deep breath and just told myself: this isn't concrete, this is just imagining, and if its the wrong thing you can always change it. So I did it. I know I need more clarity and so I think I'm going to keep trying this exercise until I can smell, taste, feel, know, see the life that I want. Clarity...

Back to the theme for the year. I realize one of the things I'm coming back to under the Physical element (and I have several tasks) but once again the weight loss thing is on there. ARGH! Yet, between my trip in November and Christmas despite trying to get back into running and trying to eat healthy I put on close to 20lbs. Essentially my heaviest... ever.... yeah that's where I want to be. So accepting it and moving on. I've started on adding more of those healthy things back in, I'm trying to be conscious when I eat (probably hitting 50% on that one) and working towards changing my habits, naturally without becoming a gung ho nazi and going full bore.

Why not you say? Several studies of success say that we want to see that immediate win. Well, yeah but I have realized I'm scared of the big start. Been there, done that.. regained the weight when that kind of intensity proved to difficult for me to sustain. I found the things that seem to motivate other people: challenges, accountability to someone else, journalling my food just drove me further and further into the ground. Not because that system DOESN'T work, its just that working that system doesn't feel right for me. Maybe that's just excuses... could be? I will find out. I just know that I can't "force" myself to play the party line right now. I'm so happy for my friends who are working it and seeing amazing success and I found I can be happy for them if I don't put myself there and end up comparing myself and beathing the crap out of myself.

Just want to make it clear though, this year is MORE then just losing weight. That is merely one piece/phase out of a lot more of my life. I just want a few more of my clothes to fit.

BBQ in 2009

2009-01-02T11:32:00.000-08:00

Ok that has nothing to do with my post. I'm just watching Diners, Driveins and Dives (secret guilty pleasure) and they are in Memphis touring bbq spots. Funny thing is I'm thinking I might be there this fall I might be able to go haha.

Along these lines, I've been pondering why we(ok me) eat to the point that I can no longer suck in my stomach, to the point I can't remember what it feels like to be hungry.

I have put an insane amount of weight on, between Hawaii and Christmas I'm up about 18-20 lbs. Now you can imagine how that is making me feel. Along with other things I've been feeling a bit down the last few days.

Frustrating, with all the work I've been doing on becoming more centred, more intune with myself, to try to be more positive. It's just easier to be negative. Its what I know, to be positive is an effort because it is not my habit. Knowing that it should be straight forward to replace, replace, replace those negative thoughts, reframe, reframe, reframe. Except.. when you are feeling down and hopeless the energy is gone and the "effort" to turn it around is just not there.

Nice excuse hey? really its about, what is my payoff for remaining in this place. I keep trying to remind myself that everything in my life is a choice. I have chosen this life, I have chosen this body, I have chosen this feeling. So stop complaining.. I chose this and if I don't like it, I need to consistently make a different choice.

So I need to stop thinking about the things that I don't like in my life. Accept that they are there right now but keep working on visualizing and getting clear on what I really want my life to look like. In reality, there are a lot of bits that are a bit fuzzy which is why the negative wins... the life I'm used to is very clear and I know exactly how it feels, looks, smells.

I will be sitting down sometime in the next few weeks to lay out my 2009, what I want, however I think the overriding theme is going to be getting clear and absorbing into my very marrow the life I want.

Going Home Again

2008-12-21T17:02:00.001-08:00

So here I sit, in my childhood home surrounded by family fo the holidays. I can't say I was overly looking forward to the trip, there was even a few reasons why I dreaded parts of it. So far those reasons have not materialized and so there has been peace on earth (relatively).

In fact its very routine, we sit, we eat, we go uptown and pick up 3 things at the stores, we come home, sit read/play with computer and tv is on in the background on the tv guide channel and no one will pick a channel or turn it off.

I slept in the 5th wheel last night as my other brother and wife are here, nothing like having to run for the house in my PJ's at -13 at 5:30 in the morning. Makes for a fun adventure I suppose.

I had some thoughts to having a week of reflection as coming home to my roots provides the opportunity to pick at some demons or shed some light on patterns. So far all I have figured out is there is a shitload of baking and the clean air is driving my appetite.

So for now peace on earth reigns (or at least until the alcohol gets pouring), I'll probably eat some more, read some more. Perhaps after all this I will have some insight or merely really really fat.

Graditude ch.5349

2008-12-12T12:47:00.000-08:00

This morning I was feeling myself falling into my "depths of despair" ala Anne Shirley. Worried, feeling inadequate, lost, sad were dwelling in my brain. I was also sad that some plans I was looking forward to for tonight looked like they were likely to be cancelled due to snow. We'd been planning to get together for quite a while and I realized it was sort my "saving" grace in terms of enjoying my day.

How sad that I felt lost with whatever else to do with my day. It was also reaching noon and I still had not heard back from the agency. See I'm still waiting to hear about a contract that would start in January and that the phone call started to hear about it was last Friday. Was supposed to hear Thurs, nothing...

Of course as I'm watching TV or surfing the net there are the stories of unemployement, the retired people having to go back looking for work as they've lost their nest eggs etc etc. Knowing the level of my bank account there was a lot of fear growing (which doesn't help anything). Talking to my friend who is on a mission and amazing things are happening in her life, manifesting stuff right, left and center. SO happy for her and if I'm honest, some envy.

We talked about going back to that mantra to the universe: "Please Use Me", doing lots of deep breathing, thanking our fears for showing up but releasing them because they are not needed. At the same time I was reading a newsletter from a coaching friend of mine and it was centred around gratitude. Certainly a topic I've covered before but it reminded me to keep touching base with it.

So I sat here just trying to breath deep, over and over to release the knot in my stomach. Repeating to the universe: "Thank you, I'm prepared to say yes, Please use me" I also had a little conversation with the universe saying thank you and yes for some of the things I do want in my life and accepting that I deserve them and am open to them coming into my life.

I looked around my place and noticed just what I was grateful for: my cat, my great place that I get at a really good rent, my good landlord, the presence of friends in my life that are positive and willing to explore the deeper reaches of who we are that we can't pinpoint in physical form. I am grateful for the possible resources that have come into my life when I have started to think about going to a life coach. At last count I have 8 possible coaches I could list off the top of my head... yah think that's a hint?

The cool thing was within 15 minutes I had a phonecall from the agency. She had had an email from the contact, he was off today, has one more thing to discuss with someone at work but shouldn't forsee a problem with the contract. I should find out Monday. Ok so I'm not gonna go wild and spend any money that I've been holding off on (i.e. hair cut, oil change) but I will do a little happy dance.

One of the things I am clear about this contract is that it is a tool along the start of my transition. It may take several years to shift how I earn money from accounting to something else but I am clear that this is coming for me. I am also clear that I will likely be far more successful professionally and potentially financially if I do this (because I will be a happier person in my work).

The other cool thing was I had a few glimmers of creative ideas on some stuff I may want to exeriment/play with. We'll see how that goes.

and... my favorite video

2008-12-09T22:12:00.000-08:00

100 on the Heart's Desire

2008-12-09T21:41:00.000-08:00

I've been doing a lot of reading (as usual) and a lot of thinking. I'm really struggling right now to find my inner me, where does my truth lie. It seems/feels so buried.

There are definately minutes of hope. I've been trying to journalize, write, do exercises that unbury that gut. I have been asking the universe a lot lately "Please Use Me" and to believe that I am open to whatever that answer may be (not without the trepidation and ha! am I really open to WHATEVER? :-)) and yet I still hope for answers and I hope that when I "get" that answer I will be wildly excited.

I have things I want in my life etc etc, and one of the exercises I read tonight was to list those things and to rate them on 1 to 100 of heart's desire. It then said to eliminate anything not scoring 100.

Here is the sad part, I couldnt' think of anything that reached 100 on that scale. Not one thing that I didn't have some disclaimer or mediating point. Nothing I could freely and clearly mark a 100 down.

Is it because none of them are 100, and there is something else that is 100? Or is it because I won't allow anything to be 100, that in fact I'm probably standing in my own way. Not sure which one yet... I do realize that I haven't hit my truth yet. As hard as its getting sometimes, I'll keep looking.

It's my BIRTHDAY!!!!!

2008-12-03T17:32:00.000-08:00

I'm saying it LOUD, I'm saying it PROUD. It's my birthday, MY birthday, a special day for me, a day to celebrate that I was born. My friend did that for me today, she kept saying "WOOHOO you were born" hahahahahahahahaha love it.

See I did some clearing last night, some meditation. I know I've been blocked lots of old crap coming up and I was like SHIT I'm going to be depressed on my birthday or I have to stop for a day and pretend I'm good then go back to being all blocked on Thursday.

So I did some meditation (lol I almost wrote medication.... no I didn't) some relaxing, some releasing. I rewrote my perfect day if nothing was in my way and was a lot more honest. I noticed emotions on certain things I wrote noticing that that might be block due to old beliefs or it is isn't an authentic part of my wanting. I wrote for 3 pages. I was inspired by a friend who is using some similar processes to get clear on what she wants. She had a conversation with God where she made a decision to just say Yes and Thank You. Along with reading an article on the law of Allowing, it made a lot of sense that even if I'm using the law of attraction to picture what I want I have some subconscious blockages not allowing things into my life.

I have a lot of blockages around love. I have felt: unloved, alone, not worthy, lonely many times in my life. I included this in my 3 pages which turned into more then just my perfect day, it turned into affirmations of things that really a part of my life that I deny. That I am part of the universe and therefore can never be alone, that I am loved even if no "person" loves me because God, Goddess, Creator, Nature, Spirit whichever term you use does love me (coming from someone finding her way to being spiritual if not religious this is huge) and that there is even more love out there and I have been denying it. So I just say Yes and Thank You.

I had a fantastic day today, after a chiro appt I took myself out for breakfast and sat there and read a novel and drank coffee and enjoyed yummy food. I went to a friend's house to use her hot tub because I was sore from jogging (see yoga pants life lesson) and I watched the sunset from a hot tub in December.

However, the biggest thing was the love that whooshed into my life today as if called. See I have (dirty secret coming) resented, dreaded birthdays, been jealous of others birthdays because I see OTHERS getting gifts, huge messages, being celebrated, last year on Facebook, I was jealous because someone with a birthday before mine got more messages then me. Many years it felt like people forgot or were too busy or if they gave me wishes it was an after thought. I resented having to remind people it was my birthday and thought that if I did it meant that they didn't care (though honestly I do the same to others even though I DO care.. helloo.... Lisa Pot, its Kettle calling).

So in my fear that I would have a crappy day I just said, relax, breath, be at peace and just say yes to what comes in.

Wow.. that's all I can say it WOW. First thing was the card from my Mother which said many things that I felt have been missing from my relationship to her. She didn't write the card but she picked it out and I feel that it probably says something that she wouldn't feel comfortable saying or even writing. I emailed her and said thanks for the card and that I cried. it is about how she has probably not expressed her love enough but that I should know underneath I do mean a lot to her. (also signed from my Dad and although I know he loves me, I know the card isn't from him).

The next thing was the outpouring on Facebook of birthday wishes. Yes I know Facebook reminds people of birthdays.. which I love, I don't have to do it, but people still took the time to email me or write on another board or to post to my profile. Funny I started to fight the "it's my birthday pay attention to me and be cynical" and then I decided to just say YES.

So.. Yes

TODAY IS MY BIRTHDAY PAY ATTENTION TO ME AND WOOOOOHOOOO I WAS BORN!!!

Lisa's Life Lesson #1

2008-12-02T14:41:00.000-08:00

" Yoga pants are NOT for jogging"

Oh Sure! I'm sure you allll knew that but me but let me know state that that lesson is firmly entrenched in my brain.

See yoga pants for those not familiar are held up by the elasticity of the fabric in relation to your girth and the assumption that you will be doing slow, controlled, spiritual movement not bouncing up and down.

Further exacerbated by rolls of flab which move independently to the motion of the body the fabric itself has very little to cling to. In addition any underwear, elasticized or not unless it is a thong, the fabric of the yoga pant will take prisoners with it.

My apologies go out to the drivers out on 96th avenue today who had to watch my emergency adjustments as the elastic of my underwear slid under my bum along with the top of the yoga pant to a dangerously low altitude. I either rudely grabbed my ass and yanked or risk the other alternative.

The alternative was to expose a flouncing, jouncing, flapping white expanse to the universe traumatizing all who saw it. Trust me, I made the right decision.

Sacred Gifts

2008-11-29T21:55:00.000-08:00

Forwarning: This is long and may or many not make any sense without the context of what sacred gifts are. I'm not going to go into definitions right now so you'll have to muddle through as best you can, or choose not to read it. I just need to get this stuff out of my own head and body.

The Workshop

I attended a workshop this weekend called Sacred Gifts. The intention I had going in was please God (or someone) please give me clarity, what am I supposed to be doing now/next whatever. What is it that I'm supposed to be doing so that I feel like I'm living and not just existing. As I come up on my 34th birthday this week (1 year from 35) a lot of that has been running over and over in my head. Not so much the # ( though I have some "deadlines" attached that have not been fulfilled) but the examination that except for a few specific events there has been a sameness and the years on reflection have tended to blur together and that how I live now is pretty much as I lived at 27/28/29 BEFORE I went on my supposed life changing, I'm gonna come back a different person (har har) trip of a lifetime.

So blah blah fast forward a couple years and ok the trip didn't work, so lets start getting real with this self exploration stuff and just pretend for an instant that perhaps it does work and I can live a better life and be a better person and can change. Woohoo go me.. look I'm getting there, and although its evolutionary with me and not revolutionary (which is what I want....but perhaps what I'm not allowing ? hmmm) it feels likes stuff is shifting.

Therefore we come to today and I sat in this workshop waiting for divine bells to start ringing their fool heads off and as the gifts go by I start to feel more and more like "I'm not any of these, omg, I don't have any gifts, but everyone has gifts, but I don't apparently... but maybe this is me... but it doesn't totally feel me, I don't own it, ..... I'm not good enough to have this gift"

To the point that as the last gift is described and I have not yet given myself one green sticker (indicating that I know that this is me) I completely shut down into this little ball of angst, eyes blazing red, arms curled under my chin, hair wildy askew, flinging spittle in all directions.

The BLOCK (cue: scary music)
My brave good friend (who knows me too well) comes and puts her arms around me and talks with me (many lovely things) and finally makes a suggestion that I could utilized one of the 1-on-1 coaches available for just such a block. That from her observation this block or blocks like it have come up again and again to hold me back. It takes me a while (AND HUGE RESISTANCE I AM A FUCKING LOSER WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME BLAH BLAH)but knowing that this is something I needed to deal with, I step out the door (with my friend in tow).

The first thing the coach asks me is "I'm not sure what you feel about this but as part of my feeling I need to do for you is pray first". My first gut reaction was WOAH put on the brakes this is so not me, I'm not into religion yada yada. However, I decided to just go with it, allow it in and see where it led me. So in a circle with this coach and my friend she said a little prayer. I'm still not to sure where that meant though it did feel ok.

Moving on, I then sent my friend back into the room and the coach and I went and settled into chairs and talked. I would love to say miraculous things happened but really the main issue is that she talked me back down off the roof so to speak to get me to the point where I could allow that there might be the tiniest possibility that some of these gifts might possibly be mine.

I did talk about some of my fears in owning the gifts: 1) that I would try and own gifts that were not mine 2) that I didn't deserve them 3) that so many seemed to apply therefore they must not be mine as how can that many be mine.. she said 3-4 would prevail 4) if these gifts were mine how come they haven't shown up in my life in strong messages (even though we've been told they may lie dormant until they are called). On and on I went until I could own a few and bring some instances where the coach looked at me and said "uh, that might be a clue".

So back in we go and into an exercise where we used the inventory we had taken to hone down to and idea we had to get the first step. Again I was feeling at bit "whatever" as mine ended up being something I was already on path doing but didn't feel like the big direction change in my life I was looking for. I actually worked with another coach though most people were in pairs and so she haha made me get specific and at least write down a next step. Ok so I have that action though it doesn't feel like the big life changer blah di blah.

So the workshop finished up and I left feeling pretty conflicted. Around me was buzz and excitement and peoples "visions" and clarity and I was kinda pissed off and feeling dumb and feeling unconnected. Here is the thing I realize, if I'm around people with excitement and energy around their own things and I don't have a similar level in something I'm doing.... it sucks out of me and shoves me down into a mud puddle. Selfish? yup.... mysoginistic? yup etc etc. Ok yes sometimes I am not a very good person. :-)

The Burden
As I drove home with my friend, I wanted to focus on her as I could see she really had come to something really juicing her (ok for some weird reason when it came to my friend it wasn't and energy drain.. ok it was at the start but as I talked to myself and got my shit out of the way, I allowed hers in and it was exciting... well it was exciting to see her and watch her energy shift and glow).

We also got into a bit of discussion about me and ha I told her that I was telling myself to shut up. See my friend has a VERY strong gift, on that is very attractive about her to other people. One that allows you to easily spill your guts and offload your shit and while I know this about her, I'm very conscious of to the extent that I utilize this gift of hers (knowing that she doesn't take it on, knowing etc) but somehow I feel there is a limit and that I'm a burden. She asked if I was willing to let go of the notion that I was a burden and I said no. She asked me why this was and I was silent. I had some answers... I did not say but I'm going to list them here (haha and send them to her).

I feel I have lost people due to being a burden and I am unwilling to lose another person I love because I drove them away
That being said I do have a weird trust that I have her love and support always so does 1 apply? Maybe not with her but yes with other people.
I have a HUGE need to be loved, I've known this for about a year and a half, so the love I have is precious gems to me. UNCONDITIONAL LOVE but yet I feel that no love is truly unconditional and that there is some point in which I can drive it away.
WITH the love absolutely has to be paired with respect (for me). That people (or my friends) may love me but without their respect or their thinking well (admiration?) it feels hollow. This probably is filtered through my own "judging". I love several people but don't always respect them. I think in this case I am scared not of losing their love but of losing their respect and admiration.

Ok so the last thing I said was probably right, but there you go, the whole process.

Dinner
This really isn't about the food, though that was fantastic. I love food, I'll say it loud, I'll say it proud, I love food. I didn't count a calorie or a point and don't friggin' care. What was important about this dinner though was the conversation.

We went decided after driving home we weren't done and decided to go out to dinner..... for over 2 hours.

WOW big conversations. We talked a lot about my feeling of "existing" vs "living" and a piece of which I feel like I'm missing but that I can't fill (at this time) because of some big blocks and 'anti-affirmations' I got going around about this issue relating to .. trust? self-esteem? ... ok basically those 2 as near I can figure right now. All I know is that that is something I probably need to get into but there is some big scary fear thing happening that will likely have to be delved into or dissolved first. Not new information, just confirmation that its still there, big-time.

Then we discussed the big things that came out for my friend. Omg, watching her spark and light up like a Christmas tree and well up and see energy zinging out her pores. My friend has never lost her spark but its been a bit dimly lit and hard to see, bravely wavering in the strong winds of change that have been pouring through her life. Makes me so thankful that I got to see this in her again. She is such a HUGE source of inspiration for me that I truly only want amazing things for her to happen in this life and to grow ever larger for her.

My Gifts

Ouch, that hurt to even say. As I write this I'm laughing at myself. Oh god. There you go, so be it.

So we took an inventory and while the facilitator told us not to focus on numbers it was to provide some clues as to which areas our gifts may lie.

There were some good clues into stuff I don't own. Tonight I sit here looking at areas I had 0's in or 1/2/3 (i.e. very low scores).

So I hereby let the following gifts go as not being my supernatural gift to give to others:
Hospitality
Compassion
Healing
Foresight
Simplicity
Giving
Intercession
Spiritual Challenge
Spiritual Sensitivity

I hereby let the following go of these slightly higher scoring gifts:
Administration (blech) - though I have skills and talent, it is not my gift
Singleness ( oh some long thoughts about this one)
Assistance

Ok this next one hurts because I thought I had it but its loooooow:
Facilitation....... ok I'm not sure I can let this go, this one is hurting a lot.
let it go...

Some medium scoring stuff:
Service
Wisdom (ouch thought I had that one...but on second thought, maybe I don't or maybe its dormant, or maybe I'm having "judgements" about it or??)

Extraordinary Trust is somewhat high. Definately some elements as pervades to my lifestyle. I think this one I've only been letting in for the last couple of years. I was surprised the score wasn't higher but now thinking about it. A lot of the definition of this one goes against many things I was raised to value, therefore I have trouble letting it in. However, my friend kept elbowing me... might be a clue.

Now the following gifts scored high which might be a clue they are mine from "high low" to high high"

Encouragement
Music
Writing
Knowledge

Cultural Integration
Teaching
Craftsmanship(Creativity)
Leadership/Vision

So I had a long chat with my friend about some of this over dinner and what might be mine or what might not be. What was interesting is some things that came to me as memories or things that I have to remember thinking as they provide a clue as to what I'm supposed to do with it.

Another big thing I have to think of or remember is that my gifts or my downloaded task as may be the very things that are fucked up in my own life and feel I'm no expert on. They have nothing to do with any apparent skill or talent or education I have received. On some of these things I do have a Knowing.. ok there I said it. However, I have always predominantly thought I was on crack because I have no evidence of how it has manifested or where I could point to something and say: yup there it is that's the evidence that I have this gift.

Phew, big leap of faith this. AND I'm feeling like there is so much there.. am I trying to own a gift that is not mine? Am I shitting myself?

Item

2008-11-28T13:17:00.001-08:00

Update to binge

2008-11-27T23:41:00.000-08:00

ok so what I "neglected" to mention was that there were 2 cupcakes left. Being that I was in full war about well I felt like crap but do have a thing about throwing food away, I made a compromise. Out in the trash when the 2 1/2 inch icing top with the hard chocolate shell, into the freezer went two icing-less chocolate cupcakes, there for when I need a chocolate something.

Maybe not the best idea but works for me.

Binge Trance

2008-11-27T23:15:00.000-08:00

I'm sure like many of you,I've noticed the bizarre state I seem to go into when I overindulge in food. It's this bizarre trancelike state where aliens have taken over my body. I either feel this nothingness and nothing penetrates my brain until after "why, why did you eat that crap" or at the beginning and during this sense of sick glee "hehehe I'm being bad".

So I'm trying to wrap my head around how to undo this "trance" state or realize I'm in it or etc. In the book I'm reading it has me run through it a few times, first feeling everything I felt (or lack thereof) and the feelings after. Then run through it again from the "watcher" stance watching my litle dictator scream at me while my rebel smirks and says "I was bad hehe" and offer them peace. Basically work/breath for calm until I can view the incident calmly and without the horrible feelings of guilt and shame which are likely just to trigger a future incident.

So I went through it. I feel calm, I can admit to a mini-binge, eating two cupcakes from Safeway that have those mounds of icing on them. Honestly through the 2nd one I was even sick, I put yogurt on to try and cut the sweetness. Hey in many ways I look at that as positive as I'm normally a sugar fiend. I'm being honest about this, there's been times when I've bought home similar products and ate even more and never told a soul and felt really bad. I actually don't feel really bad (well except my tummy which is really upset, so woohoo for that), I'm not beating myself up. It happened. Maybe next time the amount will be even less.

Hey my horse acted out, primitive brain took over, I started thinking about sweets and boom that was it. Oh well....Maybe next time I'll be able to stop and breath first and bring myself out. All I can do is keep trying.

My Body as a Horse

2008-11-19T23:12:00.000-08:00

Woah I not sayin' I'm a horse.. lemme 'splain something Lucy.....

I have just been doing more readings (in between soaking in trashy novels on the beach) on mind sets/mentalities and this piece really hit home for me.

Basically, talked about how our physical bodies are controlled by the primitive parts of our brains. The functions of the body for the most part are automatic and unconscious, feelings driven from our physical reactions (flight vs fight) etc are driven by the most unconscious parts of us. And bodies have feelings to.

This reading basically likened our bodies to an abused horse who lashes out at any attempt to "break" it. What else are we doing to our bodies when we castigate our bodies, say how much we hate it, try and starve it, try to punish it, put it on restrictive diets, punish it physically through exercise on irregular schedules without taking proper care. We are abusing that "animal"

No wonder it lashes back, reacts like its starving, goes into survival mode. No wonder we end up at 11pm at night in front of an open refrigerator moaning and panting like the hulk about to transform ready to gnash our teeth at any who may step between us and food...must survive...must feed......

So this reading goes onto talk about an exercise to "horse whisper" to our bodies, to sooth the savage beast. I won't go into it (you should read the book) but one of the things it has us tell ourselves is:

"My Body has suffered a lot. It deserves understanding, not cruelty"

I admit it, I burst into tears. How do we expect our bodies to be react through hormonal triggers and healthfulness to help us lead a long life when we constantly abuse, beat down and send it bad signals?

Thank you for the music

2008-10-30T16:10:00.000-07:00

First off, my apologies on the previous blog spacing. I tried to fix it but it wouldn't take :-(

So today I am once again thankful for music in my life. Not only my singing, and chorus but just to listen to. I've started a new playlist on my ipod called uplifting and it has a whole range of styles and songs and I love to just listen.

I added a new one this week by the Soweto Gospel Choir called "Hlonolofatsa", all I can find out is that its Zulu. Unfortunately, don't know what it means but that doesn't seem to matter. I discovered it when it was used as music for a piece on So You Think You Can Dance Canada. I found it on itunes, downloaded it and have been listening to it about 5 X a day. I even used it as part of the dance warmup I do for my chorus and everyone seemed to love it.

So freakily enough, today I was flipping through my paper only to see and article on lo and behold "Soweto Gospel Choir".... seems they are on tour in Canada. Seems they are playing a theatre that is 5 minutes from my house..... on Saturday night.. 2 days before I'm away for 2 weeks... a sign you say? Well we'll see, I just realized I missed called before 4pm to reserve a ticket so will try to do that tomorrow.

Other then that, had a phenomenal final rehearsal with my chorus and fantabulous send off party at Boston Pizza (all paid for wheeee!!!) and beautiful angel pin from my chorus and lots of great memories. We did a fire ceremony at the end of rehearsal to release any baggage we don't want to take with us to Hawaii and it was amazing how powerful and freeing that truly did feel. Our theme as of right now is "Good to Go" which sort of happened by accident and is now adopted :-) with a little chant. Too funny....

I.AM.BEYOND. EXCITED!

So there ya are.... Good to GO!

Back to thanks

2008-10-29T10:59:00.000-07:00

I've been struggling to come up with something to say.... wanting to keep posting semi regularily but without it being total shite. So going back to the theme I started earlier..... Thanks, graditude, what have you.. I think that's a good thing to reflect on and even bears repeating.

Today, 2 main things cross my mind:

1. My friends - ever and always tops my list. All my many pockets of friends... graditude for how many I have and graditude for the Quality of my friends. Positive, supportive, have my back...who can ask for anything more.

Funny Story: in how this all plays out. As my chorus gets ready for our international competition lots of people do little cards or gifts for each other. I'm doing something little for each member (supposed to be crafty, hasn't worked out LOL so back to the drawing board) and then some handwritten cards for the leaders. However, for my dear, dear friend who is directing us.. uh... I kinda couldn't stop once I've started. So she is getting a beautiful statue, you know the ones of the woman in the white dress. Well this is of two woman and inscribed is : To laugh with, to cry with, to dance with etc... My Friend.

Then I bought her a stone which has properties to manifest her dreams, then I found this gorgeous blank card and I wrote some stuff about the "present moment" and how precious this time with her is. What was supposed to go in there was a letter written which was "The gift I see in you..." which was a list of attributes I love about her.. I printed it on gorgeous gold paper thendecided I couldn't possibly fold it to put in the card so she is getting both. Then at the dollar store I found ocean breeze incense which I couldn't resist for the Hawaii thing. Then the gift back is decorated with scrapbooking words about being friends.

Holy over the top batman!!!! LOL ok maaaybe I'll not do Christmas with her this year. Oh well.. hope she enjoys....

2. The other thing I am grateful for is my brain. I am a smart, smart cookie. That belief (and proof I've had over the years) of my intelligence has helped me weather some "feedback" I got through the agency which would normally really undermine my confidence. I have decided that, I know where the feedback came from, I know why that perception occurred, I don't agree with it and I'm not going to let it impact my self worth.

Other then that..... I am doing really well, love the anticipation of holiday AND the energy gathering around our singing, so positive, so wonderful (in a gushy way). It looks like I will be unemployed before I go as at this point friday is my last day here. While that will impact how I spend money in Hawaii (I will try and be more sensible) it will not impact the great time that I feel is about to occur.

Aloha to you all!... (in case I don't get another post in before I go.... if not next one will be late Nov)

Life is good!

2008-10-20T13:52:00.000-07:00

Isn't that great to say? whatever the funk was, it is gone for now. I like to think it was my determiniation to get out of it plus whatever thankfulness or positive actions I made myself do. Go ME!

Today I'm thankful for my chorus. I sing with an amazing group of women and we are headed off in 2 weeks to compete in Hawaii. We have been crazy busy with preparations, rehearsals etc etc (which the stress of may have contibuted so my less then positive outlook). However, we are now over the hump.

We had a fantastic day long rehearsal that just seemed to fly all day. We have a great small group of us looking at our mental shape, grounding which is just an amazing experience to ensure not only are we ready physically but in our minds as well. My favorite part is the connection pieces we are doing with each other. We ended Saturday with an excercise that a few of us have been through as part of a workshop. It allowed us to take some time and look at every single person in the group and connect with them one on one. There were many tears but more there was gorgeous love and peace shining out of every face that I saw (even the grumbly bums).

I am so thankful to have been a part of that and proud that somehow we were able to bring that to the group. So many wonderful things planned I have a feeling we are just going to fly through the next 2 weeks to an amazing perfomance on Thursday Nov 6.

Can't wait!

My Voice

2008-10-15T14:01:00.000-07:00

It's frequently another way I find to beat up on myself, or to feel bad. I.e. "why was I given just enough singing talent to just be "competent" but not spellbinding. Alas, the reservoir of "why can't I be better then I am"

And yet, and yet.... how many times am I told by people "I wish I could sing". THEY aren't asking to be the most fabulous singers.. they just want to be able to sing along to something without feeling humiliated. Imagine struggling to carry a tune... while I have certainly struggled at times to sing in key and I've had to learn a lot and work hard to be able to hold my own and its never been easy, I've always had something inside me or a message I got young that I COULD sing.

How valuble such messages are, for as few as I sometimes feel I got out of childhood (positive messages and stories that is), that is one I have, whether it came from someone else or from somewhere deep inside, I got a precious message.

I can sing

Not really ready to hear what Simon Cowell might say about my voice, but I can sing.

Today I am thankful for my voice and the opportunities to explore performing that it has given me.

Starting Small

2008-10-14T22:40:00.001-07:00

So recongnizing that I'm not going to fix everything about myself in one fell swoop (my eating habits, my exercise habits, my cleanliness, my organization,my money management, my inability to do some ugly chores ...I could go on), its time to start small.

Having just passed Canadian Thanksgiving some friends I have, started to share what they were thankful for. At first I was unwilling to "play" being caught up in my grumbly bum self.

However today at least I want to list today I want to put it on record.

- I am thankful for a landlord that came down with a plate of turkey dinner because she was worried I didn't get any.
- I am thankful for friends that don't throw me out of their house despite me overstaying my visit several hours.
- I am thankful that just when I think I hit a dead end on something I see a little crack of light on the horizon beginning to appear.
We'll see what I'm thankful for tomorrow.

Closed for Repair

2008-10-06T08:33:00.000-07:00

First off, a quick update on last weekend. Changing my thoughts around going really truly helped. I had an amazing weekend and was able to relax and enjoy. I had one blip that woohoo I managed to overcome (or at least I think I did). Whether others did or not is a whole other story. However, I felt I did which is good enough for me. Not often when I have gone into a nose dive have I been able to “PULL UP PULL UP” .. to use Top Gun turns I have gone into a flat spin.

So all last week I had planned to update the blog with a lovely entry, woohoo, blah blah. Except as often happens after a high energy event… I hit my flatspin/tailspin. Returning to “reality” I got more and more down. I didn’t want to blog that here, feels like just a few weeks ago I was blogging the same old stuff. Yeah, THAT’S fun for people to read…not!

End result, is I need to close for repair for a while. A friend made a comment about hermitting, something I’ve thought a bit about as well. When I get into these head spaces its good to minimize collateral damage (I’ve already caused some unfortunately). I probably need to journal and spew out some crap. This isn’t the place for it, my friend aren’t the place for it, probably need to spend a few days on a paper journal. Get the stuff cleared out of my head so that I can get centred and remind myself that those thoughts, those emotions are NOT me. They aren’t what I’m comprised of. “I” am much more glorious, bigger, connected, abundant, light and energy then what those thoughts and emotions would have me believe. Time to once again realize I am not my ego and put some space around that.

Talk to you soon, hope you will keep in touch and check back in a week or two.

Taking a page from a friend

2008-09-25T10:19:00.000-07:00

Enough is enough, no more crappy grumbly, bumbly, why am I such and idiot talk. I'll save that for another day. Truthfully I'm feeling better physically (well except for a dry hacking cough) and from that I feel my mood lifting.

Even if it wasn't, enough is enough. I have an exciting weekend planned and NOTHING is gonna stop me from having a good time. I am ready to just breath it all in and experience it no matter what may come.

It's funny, when it comes to events I find I often set up all sorts of expectations around how it is going to think/feel/be. This often sets me off in the wrong direction in terms of mood etc. The best times I have are stumbled upon accidently, unplanned, unexpected, spur of the moment.

This weekend I get to see a group of friends, a few I have met but only for a couple of hours max. Yet these are people I have poured my heart out to for the last several years and for some it is bizarre that I have never met them. Such a meeting can set up expectation, trepidation, fear ("what if they hate me") blah blah blah...lizard! I choose instead to just breath, breath in the moment, breath in the now, experience all there is to experience in this instant. I really can't wait!

So this weekend, for me and my friends I wish for a weekend full of accidental discoveries, unexpected laughter and spur of the moment adventures AND the fully expected hugs and love.

I am experiencing now and will experience all weekend the fullness of great joy of living life to its fullest.

Silence is golden

2008-09-24T11:16:00.000-07:00

Once again I am reminded that there are times I need to keep my mouth shut. I do tend jump and act at times. Other times I will hang back and observe it all.

I waffle between overthinking and not acting and acting without thinking. Of standing up for myself or feel trod upon and yet that action not be the correct one.

I am not perfect, that is for sure. I have hurt people, I have pissed them off, I'm sure many, many have grown weary of me. I am a lot to handle.

I am confused as to where to draw the line, how to not be those things that I hate.

Also, need to cut myself some slack here. I am not in the best shape and therefore my filter is set on low.

Sometimes I just have sit back and see whether I have any friends at all at the end of a fiasco.....

Silence is golden, I am very aware that there are times where I need to hold my tongue, mainly in relation to whatever thing is going on inside my head. When I'm feeling particularily emotional or vulnerable.. then more then anything I need to learn to keep quiet. Things come out of my mouth that I seem unable to control or at least make sense at the time. HOwever, judging by others behaviour it would appear to be that isn't so.

I don't want to keep the peace just to be liked but I also don't want to push people away due to careless things I say and demands I make.

But that is me, and that's the way I roll. I guess all I can do is keep trying to figure out the right mix.

Dwelling in the damp, dark places where trolls live

2008-09-22T12:01:00.000-07:00

I must love being miserable. Now granted, I am feeling physically unwell, its been my time of the month all weekend so I do have some physical reasons why the grumpies are winning.

However, I know there is an element of comfort in this somehow. I had a great weekend. It had its ups and downs with some awesome ups yet on Sunday did I remember the good stuff and how I laughed and how my chorus made people cry? No I was letting little things get at me.

There was some communications I oversaw on Facebook on something that really has nothing to do with me but is related to a conversation I had a month or so ago. The result is I am back to feeling inadequate about something and feeling like I will never achieve a certain goal I have because people aren't viewing me a certain way. It's hard to explain without the details and really its such a minor thing. Yet is gets me so down and like the world is ending. Bloody f'ing lizard.

I have GREAT stuff happening to me, stuff I have been very excited about, will be excited about but instead today its all the crap getting to me. I know better then to fight it now. I am trying to just notice it and gently remind myself that it isn't real, that I'm selectively dwelling on the things that will bring me the most misery. It is not a fight, jumping up and down and trying to say "I'm happy, I'm happy" isn't where I am at. However, neither will believing everything my thoughts and emotions are telling me. Deep down it is NOT the truth, Deep down the truth is I'm ok and I have everything I need.

Maybe soon I'll even believe that.

Finding a guru

2008-09-17T12:44:00.000-07:00

Ok that was said completely tongue in cheek. I have always been mistrustful of people who "know the way" and have preferred often to believe nothing and not give anyone the benefit of the doubt.

I have however come a long way baby... I now prefer to give things a chance if something "feels" good, "rings true". I have of course, put people I know on alert that if I start giving all my worldly possessions to an organization, they have permission to haul my ass somewhere.

That being said I have been looking for people lately who can give me a perspective that gives me some insight and make me go oh yeah! I don't believe anyone possesses the "way" and if they claim that I can tell you that wouldn't be ringing true for me.

What I'm finding is that most are giving the same message, some just have language that is more accessible to me. One in particular that I seem to be running accross over and over is Martha Beck, a life coach down in the States (yeah appears on Oprah and all the stuff yada yada) but whose writings tend to bonk me on the head in a good way and who actually acknowledges that she ain't got it all down herself yet either. !tick! Haha! I reference the guru thing because I seem to find myself referring to her an awful lot or recommending her to people I know NOT that I think she is a guru, just someone who knows how to ask some good questions.

Anyway in a weird coincidence, months ago I tried to google her and got lots of hits but couldn't find "her" website. Which at the time I thought was bizarre but whatever. Today I found a link and voila it was like a whole new set of toys opened up for me. I have this weird feeling that I wasn't supposed to find this site months ago and that now was the time for me to find it. What? too new agey for ya? haha ok, lets just say I'm glad I found it.

Of course there is lots of.. buy this content etc etc, the woman is after all, an empire as most of these people are. (side note:What I did find is that there is a day workshop with her next July in one of my most favorite places... Sedona (hmmmmmm... thinking). Ok that may not happen.. but to the point of this whole blog (omg get to the point already!!) she does have a blog on this website. Now it is authored by various of her coaches (empire remember) but I was reading through some entries, lots of good stuff.

One in particular, I thought might be good to bring over, one that I focus on and one that I know people (ok, like the 5 people) that read my blog are working toward weight loss might like to read this entry. It's on mindless eating, also has some links to further articles and also a 20 min audio clip of someone being lead through a coaching into why they nighttime eat. I haven't listened yet but can't wait. It's all about the mental game, which is for now, all that I'm focusing on in terms of "weight loss efforts". Perhaps no new information? but a way to say something that shines a different side perhaps or more insight? Up to you! Did for me but I don't profess to represent what works for anyone else.

http://marthabeck.com/blog/?p=78

Hello you reptilian thing, you!

2008-09-16T12:36:00.000-07:00

Well I’m being very environmentally friendly these days in my brain by reusing and recycling all this garbage in my brain. Unfortunately, in terms of the mind dump those 2 R’s AREN’T a good thing. The R you really need is Reduce, alas I’m still working on that concept.

I guess the good news is most of the time I am becoming more aware as thoughts and feelings are reused and recycled.. “aha, I say, I know that limiting belief.. that spawns that behaviour.. man that always gets me in trouble”. Does it mean I’m able to stop it? Mmmm sometimes I can put a big of a halt to the behaviour but it is even rarer at this point for the thought/feeling to change. Good news is it sometimes does which gives hope I believe? All the things I am reading point to the fact that it takes practice, these are new pathways to be burned into the head, that this needs to remain conscious incompetence and conscious competence for a while before it can slip into unconscious competence.

Also in my readings of late (and I see that of my friends) is the identification of the voice in the head. My latest reading calls it a lizard, a workshop I did a while back it was a being of some sort. We each had to draw it, name it, describe it, act it out and confront it in a cave (through a visualization exercise). The point being to remove yourself from THAT voice in your head and to remove its power and ability to scare you. The book I’m reading now which identifies it as a lizard talks about giving it a pat on the head, acknowledging it but in a way belittling it so that its more “aww aren’t you cute”

So my recycled, reused thoughts aka my lizard/dragon/being… let’s call it Mo (ok I forgot what I named it before)….. you’ve managed to take up more residence in my brain again. Time to put you back in your place again.

* Giving my lizard a pat *
(was going to say “Patting my lizard” but that just brought up a whole ROFL picture for me)

Stargazing

2008-09-08T11:27:00.001-07:00

Having some interesting reactions to other people today. Based on old information a friend would say. Interesting reactions in that it triggers certain feelings of self (not anything to do with the triggering situation which has nothing to do with me). I find it amazing that it is such a mind game for me still, that I still have to monitor this stuff so closely with all the work I've done on it.

I almost wrote a ranting blog.... boy that would have been productive! Not.

I am reading a new book. Not particularily any different than any of the other stuff I've done over the past year, or read about in the past year, just a slightly different take. I figure the more I reinforce concepts in my brain and go through exercises to burn those dang neuropathways the more likely my thoughts will begin to tread a more positive beat on their own, rather then me having to consciously do it.

The book is called Steering by Starlight by Martha Beck (I love Martha Beck by the way). She has a way of expressing things but in such a down to earth way you don't feel as if you are supposed to sit at her feet, staring at her in awe, while pearls of wisdom drip from her lips, Rather it feels like a conversation with a friend where you are each curled up in a comfy chair, feet tucked under you with a cup of tea in your hands as you lose the afternoon hours as the ponderings flow.

Now, I'm not very far into the book at all but I love how she talks about listing down all the things you want, listing down the feelings you will get when you achieve them, and making the realization that what you are actually trying to achieve is the "feeling" not the thing and so you can have what you want now (by using visualizations to feel those things already). In turn, not only will you have those feelings (or the real end state) but you will also be far more open to actually achieving those things you want. Not a completely new concept at all but I love the way she has described it to realize it is the feeling you are after not the "thing"... duh....

I have actually read farther then this and there is a whole fascinating chunk on rewriting your life but I haven't quite wrapped my head around.

She calls a lot of what she is talking about as being a Stargazer. Ha! Kinda made me mad at first as I thought... I've always been a Stargazer, a dreamer, a what have you. However, (ding!) I have realized that my version of Stargazing was always looking through the telescope at those things far away. Her version of Stargazing is looking at the stars as if you are already amongst them (lol one of those old tried and trusy motivational quotes). This is literally true for me. I've often had this conversation with a friend of mine about how I often feel as if I watch life from behind a plate glass window. I have always dreamed but it is in terms of having a basic belief that the things that I dreamed about were great fantasies but really had nothing to do with my reality and nothing I was every going to have.

So no miracles here yet, but I'm hoping with each iteration of these concepts, told to me in a different way I'll slowly inch my way towards living as completely big as I can.

Where do I go... from here?

2008-09-04T10:28:00.000-07:00

Where do I go from here?
This isn't where I intended to be
I had it all, I believed in me
I believed in me

Certainties disappear
What do I do for my dream to survive?
How do I keep all my passions alive,
As I used to do?

Deep in my heart I'm concealing
Things that I'm longing to say
Scared to confess what I'm feeling
Frightened it'll slip away

I must love me

Taking a lot of artistic license with lyrics here, apologies to Lovely Lordie Lloyd-Webber. I realized the first line of this song kept running through my head the last few days with this lyric so I looked up the song. It's actually Evita singing to Che but eh.... I prefer things to be all about me. I think the fact that the first line is running through my head a lot means there is a message trying to get through to me. Where do I go from here?

I am feeling a lot better then I have been the last month(s), I certainly have many things to look forward to in the short term along with a wacky workload (not really related to my paid work). However, interesting I still feel that in say 3 months my life is an open book. This actually happens to me quite a lot, one of the joys of contract work I suppose, you know at some point the work is ending. Things in the other parts of my life hit a lull or potential transition points. There is a reason that I have set my life up unconsciously this way, I wonder what it is? To avoid commitment? To avoid being trapped? or more positively: To always keep possibility open? So do I keep trudging on building on what is? Or do I step off the path completely?

I keep wondering, what am I supposed to do? Where am I supposed to go? How can I live "larger and smaller" (for anyone that saw Elizabeth Gilbert on Oprah will know about that quote - so true for me). How to I live with arms wide open? How do I live with my song that I was given to me at Foundations. For any of you that know country music it is "At the end of the day" by Kelly Coffey. What stands out is the chorus:

At the end of the day
Did I laugh and dance enough?
Did I tell my friends how much
they really mean to me?
At the end of the day
Did I really push myself?
Or was I too afraid,
to give my heart away?
At the end of the day.

I have come to realize how important those questions are to me and that I'm not feeling that consistently "at the end of the day". I have learned that living a fulfilled life is not about the far off dreams/goals or the concrete thing I must do. I have realized that my life purpose is related to what I will "be" not what I will "do". Phew! that takes the pressure off. HA! or does it? I know when I set a purpose at my last Foundations workshop it was a total shock to come up with something that related to "being" not "doing" (although I do have an action word "creating" in there). That is taking some adjustment in me, I still feel anxiety to "do" something. So I don't think I have fully taken on that once I am "being" more fully, the "doing" will flow from that. (er? I hope?)

They say what matters to you will be reflected in how you spend your time. If I am being funny/cynical I would say that means I what really matters to me is complaining, eating and slothitude (as I've coined it) however, those things drive discontentment within me so; are they things that matter or merely habitual behaviours that I have fallen into? Ok upward spiral... within that "slothitude" I realize I spend a lot of time, thinking, questioning, seeking understanding., digging in an examining the minutia, questing if you will. I can agree that that does matter to me (though I could totally go to far with it to the point of paralysis).

Anything more then that, I don't have right now. But it is a start.. and a not bad one if I do say so myself.

Zooming through.....

2008-08-20T15:41:00.000-07:00

...and leaving carnage in my wake. Or at least that is what my place looks like these days.

I can't believe the stuff on my plate. Not completely unusual for me it just amazes me when I go through these periods how busy I am, and amazingly that I live through them.

I'm sorry for not blogging and its partially being just this busy but also not really having anything to say. Funny how when it comes to blogging it feels like you should have a point and to not be repetitive. However, these days I'm realizing the patterns in my thoughts and just how repetitive stuff can be.

I'm doing ok, been some up and down. You know, the usual ;-) I'm realzing more and more that I just may get to places where I don't see a light and can't talk myself into the light and in those cases just need to hang on for a while and it will eventually come.

I was sitting back the other day and looking at my summer plans (or lack thereof) and wondering if it meant I wasn't living life to the fullest if I went through an entire summer without any summer activities. Is it enough of an excuse that I have a big (non-summer) trip away with my girls in September. Then a big trip away in November which will partially be focused on summery type adventures. Both of these are going to take cashola so, is a low-key (read:boring) summer still ok when living in the NOW.

ha, I'm sure its fine.....just as usual want to do EVERYTHING and do it now. Why can't I Mommy?

Even Keel

2008-08-04T22:39:00.000-07:00

I guess thats the best way to describe things in the last while. Things improved at work on Friday which was great not to have stuff(crap) hanging over my head all weekend. This weekend I hung out with my sister and kids a bit .

Anyway, got lots of errands done, got some good healthy food for this week so hoping I can keept to a decent food intake this week instead of crap. Went for a walk/jog today, now just have to do that more then once this week.

That's about it....

Keeping it all together.....

2008-07-28T19:23:00.000-07:00

....is kinda like trying to hold water in your fingers... you do all right but eventually it seems to slip through. You can get a bit of a drink but enough to quench.

Feeling a bit of unease, restless lately. Trying to use all the tools I have at my disposal to turn my attitude around. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. Feeling like a good cry/meltdown would be good just to let it all out and start with a clean slate again. Happens when lots of little things tend to build up without a really good release.

I'm doing well in some instances, more consistently eating good food, grains, "real" food but then topping that off with a bag of cheetos. Again the question begs.. why? Truth is I really don't know and until I get a good handle on that....

The are some signs for the positive for the future that I hope pan out and I'm trying to put my energies towards. If I slip and eat something bad I'm trying not to give any energy to beating myself up just trying to focus on what I did right.

So in this instant, this moment... doing pretty good.. all is ok.... tomorrow is.. eh... ha!

Alone

2008-07-26T18:56:00.001-07:00

So I have been contemplating being alone a lot lately. Alone is something I do, something I'm experienced in, something that I just have to deal with.

Sometimes I'm alone due to choice but most of the time it seems to come from necessity, or just how things turn out.

I've had some people recently remark on how I'm able to go and do things alone, how they cannot.

Its very nice thing to say but on the other hand, I get upset....see in many cases it ISN'T a choice. I go and do things alone because if I didn't I would simply never do them. I would sit at home alone in front of my TV. The truth is I go and do things alone because I just don't have anyone to do things with. Yes I have friends but so often they are too busy or they don't like to do the things I like to do.

Then there is the thing that happens when you make plans and it turns out the people you made them with obviously didn't think they were "plans". I've had this happen often and so I've learned to be really specific... "ok so we are getting together on Friday for dinner or this weekend we are going camping" then like 3 days before when you get in contact to discuss details you find out they've made "other plans". I'm like wtf you told me you were writing it on your calender... what happened. Just last night was the camping incident, we in a conversation about a month ago I said "ok we have to pick a weekend for camping" in discussions we picked it.. she told me she wrote it on her calender. So last night we were talking. She had had some time off this week and had planned to camp but other stuff came up and she said... "oh I hope I can get camping sometime"...uhhh how about in 2 weeks because we talked about it. She got all defensive "well I don't have any more time off so I can only do weekend camping when Joanne is going up". To explain this, to get camping spots around here you need to be there Friday morning and line up to get spots. Joanne is her stepmother who will often go camping for a week so in order to secure a spot she would need to be ther and go down and get a spot for us so that we could arrive later.

Fair enough.... but instead of saying "Lisa I'm sorry but it might be tough to go camping that weekend we said because x...y....z... or we need to find a way to get a spot" she just assumes I know all bets are off..

Then she says... "we have to get together soon.... its been soo long" ok but everytime I've called you've been busy and I see lots of pictures of "girls nights" going up on Facebook.

yeah... but she is not the only friend this seems to happen with, just last week I got stood up in a way that kinda screwed me, someone I was supposed to meet up with at the symposium.. actually this happened with 2 different people 2 days in a row.

I try to be specific.... I try to ensure that when i make plans they are "firm" rather then "wouldn't it be nice if we could get together" and yet....

So then I go back to being alone..... its just easier to do my own thing... I don't feel like chasing people to make plans and they don't seem to be phoning me to say hey Lisa lets meet up for dinner. So I just sit back and watch as people have parties, have bbq's, meet up for drinks on the patio, go on dates etc etc and.... well.. I'll stay here and meditate.

There is a sneaking suspicion in me that I am just meant to be a loner and alone. It doesn't always have to translate to lonely, but sometimes it does. However, it does seem sometimes to be easier and in less danger of constantly being hurt.

Just Breathing

2008-07-13T12:00:00.001-07:00

Photo taken at the top of King's Canyon in the middle of the outback in Australia. One of most remote, harshest landscapes in the world.

Have lots of positive spiritual reading, even coming here to read my last post. Gorgeous day today, had good day yesterday, have plans for a reiki session tonight with a friend followed by dinner and mayhaps copious amounts of wine. Have coffee planned with a friend tomorrow to catch up and yabber etc etc.

So why am I struggling today to keep my pookers up? I haven't completely given in to the dark side but when I try and read something positive I want to throw it against the wall. The dark, sad, poor me thoughts, nobody loves me or the "they love them better then me" or"how come they get all this good things happen to them and not me" are popping up at an alarming rate.

I'm not giving in, I"m NOT, this will turn around. I am frustrated with how much I'm linking my moods to my "cycle", yeah, its an explanation but its also a frustration as I sad... cuz how do I combat hormonal things happening in my body. I WANT to feel positive but sometimes its such a LONG climb up there. They say its a decision... so I say, yes I want to be happy today.... I am happy today.. and the little subterrean voice goes... "I don't thiiiiiink so".

So will keep trying, just wish that some days it wasn't SUCH an effort.

But/And my purpose in life is to create light and energy, and I certainly can't do that feeling like a schmo. So no giving up, not today, not tomorrow....

"I am a fearless woman creating light and energy"

A spark of new light

2008-07-11T11:26:00.000-07:00

I've been having fun lately looking through some old photos I've taken, I might publish them here again just reminders for me. They may have nothing to do with the actual post other then I look and go purdy. Its very funny, I think I really am a landscape photographer. Whenever I look at photographs I have taken I rarely find ones that actually (or intentionally) have people in them. I take lots of pictures of nature, of rocks, streams, flowers and sunsets....LOL

Why I decided to use this photo today as I feel it kinda represents where I 've been lately and still perservering through. The darkness of the cloud with the sun trying to rise above it, desperately peeking through. It is also representative of a day I felt very at peace and to look at it, calms me.

This photo was taken in New Zealand in an area called East Cape. It is on the North Island and is close to being the most Easterly point in New Zealand. It's a fairly remote part of New Zealand that is not heavily populated and is still predominantely Maori population there. There are several small groups of islands farther East then New Zealand but the sun rises fairly close together and so, they can claim this as one of the first sunrises in the world. There is something very romantical about that notion.

All 6 of us on this particular tour group decided to get up at about 4:30 am and climb the nearby hill in the dark (haha fun!) and brave the fact that the night before the weather had been storming and cloudy so we my in fact see nothing. However, patience was eventually rewarded when the sun appeared behind the cloud bank you see. I remember when it was still semi-dark (sort of the predawness where the sky has lightened so you can see but the sun isn't actually seen yet) I looked behind me (west) and saw a large valley with little houses dotted randomly about and on the other side of the valley was a mountain.

I faced forward again and resumed taking pictures of the cloudbank every few mintues to to get the progress of the sun. Not long after I turned around again only to see the sun was now hitting the mountain while the valley was still in "nighttime". It was truly a glorious sight, not one I can describe or even understand. I knew no pictures could capture it (or even turn out) so I didn't even try. It was just one of those moments in time, along with the glimpse of the sun that want to bottle somehow and keep for future moments to open that treasure chest of memories and gaze upon it once more.

Small victories

2008-07-10T14:11:00.001-07:00

So today instead of being a semi-good girl and staying at the office for lunch (walking for 1/2 hour - the good girl part) eating leftover pizza (the bad girl part) = semi good girl. I caved to a notion put into my head by my friend to head the food court and have a bento box. YUMMMMM - hee hee oops.. that should be - bad girl! BAD GIRL!!!

While I can normally hoover my way through one of these puppies I found myself slowing down and actually leaving a bit of rice and a piece of tempura. I still WAY overate and could feel it but my tummy notified me somewhat sooner then usual so hey I'll take it. (evil sidebar: can I note that my friend who I ate with that ordered the same thing, finished it all.....end of evil sidebar).

On our way out, she also decided to get a bubble tea. I got as far as walking in and looking at the menu...... and decided AGAINST ordering anything. Shock and AWE people! Shock and Awe.

hehe its the small things that maybe some day will turn into big things.

Puttin' on the big girl pants

2008-07-09T11:36:00.000-07:00

For some reason I have had previous problems trying to post during the day, but now I have it working.. woohoo. Will make updating easier.. I think?

So, I think for many of us there are things we know we should do and yet somehow we just don't do them. Could relate to weight loss, or situations that are going to take a lot of energy or whatnot.

What is it the holds us back? Is it fear? Is it laziness? Is its because in our thinking we make it SO much larger then what it needs to be? what?..... I think if we knew the answer we would be the most proactive, well adjusted, healthiest people on the planet. Funny how humaness gets in the way. That's not to say that there aren't people that deal with situations head on with determination. There are! And the rest of us greatly admire them.. usually from afar and hope to carve a little piece of that determination out for themselves.

I am definately one of the later. I have been improving though! More and more this year I am finding the wherewithal to deal with stuff. Maybe its because I know myself better, maybe I understand that it isn't the end of the world, that nothing "bad" will happen because no matter what the situation I can retain my "centredness" (is that a word? probably not).

However, I have a few lingering ones. I put another one to bed today, and for that I am proud and for now I'm ignoring the list of things STILL to be dealt with and celebrating dealing with this one thing to day. One bite at a time they say! I'm sure soon I'll go back to fretting about the rest of my list and the things that seem to get constantly added to it. For today however, I'll say yay.. one mountain (or in reality molehill) conquered.

Let's Turn it up

2008-07-08T21:00:00.000-07:00

Ok, I realized that the last few blogs have been somewhat down. As I've learned from past experience, this does nothing but feed energy off energy slowly spiralling down.

So its time to turn it around. Sure there has been a series of things that weren't the most positive to deal with but I certianly realize all the ways I am lucky and blessed.

Getting back to the core of me is so important, taking a deep breath and checking in with the real me and not the way my EGO thinks I am.

I have done some positive steps the last few days, doing things to positively impact my own energies and create a forcefield which will help me and help those around me move forward in the now and the future.

BTW I am TOTALLY loving all the new blogs of the my friends.. love love love IT!

Independence vs Co-dependency

2008-07-06T13:07:00.000-07:00

I have been pondering this week, what is a healthy friend relationship, how much do you keep in touch, how much should you keep in touch. I actually have no idea what co-dependent is... just seemed like a good title.

I have a friend that I would say I'm very close to, we talk at fairly deep soul level about who we are and things going on. We talk about how we feel and sometimes expose our ugly selves probably so we can comfort each other with "you are not evil....sometimes you will have that nastiness, as long as you recognize it for what it is".

Truthfully, we talk usually every day, maybe several times a day through email. If I need to cry on someone's shoulder, even if its something the world would "perceive" as minor, its usually her I turn to as she will honour what I'm feeling.

So she has been through a tough time lately and for the last couple of weeks has been a bit more distant. I know she is taking some time to think things through, process through stuff that has happened and look to the future. IKNOW she needs time.

Yet I find myself feeling a bit hurt....

I have tried really hard to limit my contacts with her, (emails and texts) and while she has responded so some, there are some she has just ignored. That's find.. she's not mentally in a place to do so (even when they have been specific questions from me that I did need answers to). I know in my head that its "ok" that she needs time. Yet I feel pushed away. However, that is just my feelings, it is not the truth. However, I feel like I feel.

Truth is.. timing has sucked. When she has needed this time to deal with some stuff, I have found myself needing my friend as stuff has come up in my own life. I have been a bit lost about where to turn. I have told myself to just put my big girl pants on, but I still feel a bit lost. I know I need to just have a sit down, let it all out, big cry, yet I've been unable to do that and so it bottles up.

So I wonder, is this a healthy friendship? I see girlfriends that talk and chat all day everyday and call each other for everything, however when I have had anything close to that I feel like I'm being needy and clingy. I feel like I should be independent, which means having friends but not "needing" them, allowing them to have their own life and I have mine. What is healthy? I don't know if I know what is healthy.

I just know I miss my friend.....

Feeling not so good....

2008-07-03T00:23:00.000-07:00

ha! my late night rant. Need to head off to bed, but I am feeling paranoid about some situations in my life, how friends may not be responding to me.... how people talk in front of you in such a way as to make you think they are talking about you.

None of this is rational... I get that, I'm just not feeling particularly good or confident about a couple of things so naturally I unconsciously look for clues to support that "stream of thinking". Feeling like I want/need to cry like things are bottling up.

Oh well, off to bed for me tonight see what tomorrow brings. Hopefully, a better attitude HA! :-D

Shall I just write off this week...

2008-07-01T21:34:00.000-07:00

Hmmm how do I say this in a positive way....I increased my focus on calories..... and ate them!!! There was no reigning in nope nope and so it is and so it shall be. Now the "long" weekend is over and its still summer and many challenges ahead along with a few emotional ones.

I think the focus that needs to happen is continuing to be present any time I sit down to eat. Be focused on what my body is needing and move on from that.

Another important aspect is to continue to focus on my purpose of creating light and energy. What I've learned about that recently, as I've been backtracking emotionally, is that is as important to apply to myself before I try to "spread" that around. In fact really.. the only way I CAN do it is to feel that within myself in anything I do, in any interactions I do, in any way that I face the day.

There you go...

on another topic... I have finally seen the pull up commercial "big kid and the throne of destiny", that officially joins my list along with the bears play football purex commercial as OMG you SO didn't need to go there!

Time to reign it in

2008-06-28T23:26:00.000-07:00

Well, I enjoyed my Thursday and my Friday and my Saturday. Must now be a bit more sensible for the rest of my week. Bought lots of new books today including a low GI cookbook (however, i rarely ever MAKE recipes in the recipe books I buy). My goal though is to start.... 1 X per week try a new recipe.

No activity....however my cold feels a lot better tonight.. if this keeps up until tomorrow there is no excuse for not getting in at least a walk. Other then I've got a larg list of things I plan to do tomorrow.... I may need to rethink that. Perhaps Ikea since I've spent more then enough money today AND other then a vague idea of needing "storage" I have not identified what I really need.

Stuggling a lot with trying to feel positive.... enough crappy stuff happening to people I know combined with just feeling worn out and sick, I find, has had a real impact on my ability to "keep my pookers up" as my friend would say. Certainly this is a challenge for me not to descend into negativity and ~crap my life is going nowhere~ type of thinking I like to do.

Wish me luck!!!

I've done really well

2008-06-26T17:44:00.000-07:00

This last week and saw some results which is awesome. Pretty proud of myself for more or less sticking to eating sensibly, no real over eats (though ha I'm going to a Pub Night in a little while in which its a buffet).

It has also been easy because I've been sick and there has not really been a hunger issue. On the flipside I haven't done what I've done other times I've been sick and not eat. I've stuck to regular meal times and small meals and....doing good.

So keep your fingers crossed. I'm just glad I'm rebounding and am feeling pretty good about myself (despite being sick). Up until Monday I was feeling pretty bad about some things that were said to me, about me, behaviours I noticed in others and just generally feeling pretty crappy about life again. I'm glad to see it hasn't stuck. I notice I rebound to a positive place more often now and the dark isn't so long and "hopeless". So... woohoo!

How Far I've Gone

2008-06-17T19:53:00.000-07:00

Well I've been thinking about it and thinking about it. How I really need to just start moving again, how as I've let myself fall back into more and more of a sedentary lifestyle, how easy it is just to not do anything... be too busy etc etc.

As a result, at the ripe old age of 33, I feel... old, creaky.. always sore, always tired. If my hip isn't hurting its my knee etc etc. That is just sad!!

I then determined to start swimming. I actually don't like swimming! I don't swim very well so I'm a real plodder in the water. However, knowing that it is probably a better exercise (gentler on the joints) I got dressed and trotted down to the pool at 6:30pm. Except, public swim goes all day except for the hours between 3pm and 7:30pm. I thought there was still supposed to be a swim lane open as I looked at a pool full of kids, I thought even if there is I don't want to get in the water and swim. I didn't even ask at the front desk... I just left. So much for determination eh?

However, I did come home, change my clothes again and headed to the track right by my house. I've given up on walking because really my body just eats walking for breakfast. I have determined that I need to start running again. It is the only exercise I have felt successful at and I need that boost. For those who have hurt their backs they know this isn't really a "good" exercise and I have been warned off by my sister who is a health care professional.

After all that though, I went anyway. I took it slow and felt every single solitary step. But I did it.

30 min:
Walk 4 min x3
slow jog 1 min x3
walk 4 min
slow jog 2 min
walk 4 min home

done

I then came in and tried to do part of a dvd where they have yoga.. I think I lasted 3 min. Oh well, maybe next time I will last 4.

God I feel old.. I can't believe I let myself get this way. But if I'm being present, this is where I am today and what I have to work with and move forward with.

Check In

2008-06-05T20:58:00.001-07:00

It is hard to post when I dont' necessarily feel like I have something to say. I guess I could maybe talk about activities going on in my life.

Truth is for once I feel like not talking (very weird). Hopefully soon I will get some sort of mojo back so I have something to say that really would make for an interesting blog. Just not there yet.

One thing that is currently on my plate is I have a friend about to lose her Mom. Her Mom was diagnosed with lung cancer about 18 months ago. They knew it was terminal and at one point almost exactly a year ago they thought they were going to lose her.

Well it looks like the final descent has begun. To be fair my friend is very self aware and probably is far more capable then i would be about handling the circumstance (though how can you ever really "handle it") Anyway, I truly want to do anything I can for her to support her. Just I really don't know what that is... oh well I will just do my best.

I don't know

2008-05-22T22:10:00.000-07:00

I was trying to grasp some granule of thought or advice or hurrah that I could boldy post here, citing some minute grain of wisdom. However, I got ...um.. nothing. Things are going along, I am eating food.. how much I really have no clue. I know I'm not exercising which is really helping the chronically aching body.

Other things, work/singing are going well, good things are coming up, extended at work, the agency was told that I am a "godsend". At chorus I seem to be hitting my stride in leadership roles, found I potentially might be able to get some money for the trip to Edmonton I am taking next weekend, I have been asked to do a physical warmup at the regional workshop there in front of the regional leaders.

There is some stuff I'm ignoring, health stuff I need to take care of...breathing now. I know I will take care of it.

I guess what this post is about is, the now, the present, the it is what it is and that is ok.

Improvement

2008-05-14T23:18:00.000-07:00

Just a quick note! Tonight we had our AGM for our chorus. It usually is a big party, funny though I always usually find myself getting cranky for one reason or another and not enjoying parts of it or feeling piszzed because of something.

I wasn't TOTALLY perfect tonight I had my ups and downs but as I could feel the grrrs and the yuckies coming on I was able to bounce out of it.

Course it helps that it was a toga party and I won for best toga..... me likey winning and getting prizes WHEEEE.

So, SO sad

Confused and Bewildered

2008-05-08T21:16:00.000-07:00

*warning ranting/blurting ahead* I have a great friend, she is wonderful, supportive, listens to all my shit, encourages me to do all sorts of stuff etc.

However..... sometimes I find it hard because where I know her from (singing) she is in a leadership role in this arena and is quite amazingly talented.

I just find that it feels like she really "says" i have talent but it seems sometimes like her actions don't always agree with her support. Then I see her giving "opportunities" to others I don't think deserve it.

And maybe its all in my head. Oh well, its one of the hard things about being friends with someone who is in a leadership role, you have to make sure you aren't asking for special favours etc or wanting to ask her for "inside" information. Its none of my business.

Except in a way I want to scream.. why am I not good enough? Then I realize that no matter what she says it probably wouldn't be good enough because I'm obviously not confident enough to believe in myself even if it "feels" like no one else does.

Its just hard to keep working on your confidence when you feel like there isn't much to support it.

Anyway, just a rant... moving into that lovely hormonal time of month... sure some of that is playing in to how I'm feeling right now.

Also hard when I went through such a BIG weekend where I learned so much and was feeling like I was really starting to get a handle on shit. Maybe this is just a natural downswing. Wow.. its hard.... I hate this.. why can't I just be *poof* magically more confident and sure of myself and sure of where I'm going. Instead I travel the same path over and over. I'm really tired of it.

NO FRIES WITH THAT!

2008-05-05T22:11:00.000-07:00

Ok so I broke up with my JC consultant today, it was very traumatic...I cried!!! We've been going together for 8 months. But it just wasn't working out.. entirely my fault and I just had to cut the crap and say, this isn't working for me, (or rather I'm not working this) and I'm just not ready to do this and I'm tired of beating myself up.

I did buy a week's worth of groceries as I have nothing in the house so I can keep afloat until I can do some planning on the weekend. I'm going to attempt to follow the guidelines of the GI diet. I want healthy, fresh whole food. I can feel my body craving it.

So for dinner I went through MCD's drive thru..which doesn't really work with what I just said. However, I made a promise at breakthrough to myself: Fast Food no more then 1X per month. That will be hard with the lifestyle I sometimes have but there you go. That was my hurrah. Now no Fast Food until June 5. I will make an exception if I grab a salad (if I'm desparate). BUT NO FRIES WITH THAT

Post Breakthrough

2008-05-04T20:00:00.000-07:00

Wow! what an amazing weekend. I can't say I'm all woohoo or anything. I definately have moments of it. Once again had amazing moments of discovery about myself. I probably won't say too much right now... I'm still processing.

The big thing around weight loss is I still didn't come out with a clear mission. I mean I did in terms of I'm still wanting to do it but I'm no longer sure of the methodology. One of the items that did come out is we went though some talk about keeping our agreements. I'm pretty good at that... except when it comes to myself. I constantly let myself down about numerous things: weight loss, keeping the house clean, being organized, taking time to do creative work.

Truth is I'm exhausted right now. I have weigh in tomorrow at JC. I'm not sure what to do. My game plan right now is buy 1 weeks worth of food as a buffer and let my consultant no that I"m letting this go right now. I feel the need to be eating other types of food. (i.e. not processed).. its just really sitting on my shoulders and I can't keep throwing $$$ at this to assauge my guild (I'm not quitting, really I'm not) but I at minimum need a break from this program at maximum need to change my perspective.. and maybe my program.

There I said it out loud.

Oh and we received our "purpose" this weekend.... Mine's pretty awesome.....

"I am a fearless woman, creating light and energy"

Pre Breakthrough

2008-05-01T21:45:00.000-07:00

Between New Earth and other things I've worked through, I realize how much my ego truly gets in my way whether its feeling good about myself or feeling bad about myself, feeling slighted, feeling jealous, feeling ineffectual.

I am attending a workshop called Breakthrough this weekend. Its a follow up on a workshop I completed last summer. I realize there have been changes in me since then.. huge changes. That is good. I also acknowledge that sometimes the progress is precarious, and that I have a long way to go.

For my homework there were 3 pieces that have really taken me aback. One, I had to write my own Eulogy, I also had to state what I wanted to impact the world and finally I had to list 10 ways I feel I've been a champion or have felt really good.

Here is the thing, I did have some amazing things to list but I noted how little I seemed to list anything to do with anything that helped anyone else.. they all seemed to be about me and me "overcoming" various fears. Great and all but how does that make me a better person? How does that make me a benefit to being on the planet. I guess I'll find out....

Catching Up and Moving Forward...

2008-04-03T18:38:00.000-07:00

It's been a long time since I've posted a new blog entry. In some ways it felt like.. what's the point? I didn't feel anything new to say and from a weight loss perspective, I didn't feel the "woohoo gung ho, I'm going to be superwoman" type of enthusiasm, so what could I possibly say that would be of any use.

I have been continuing on in my soul searching theme. I've been working through 2 books: The Artist's Way and have now added on A New Earth. Actually, having done about 8 weeks of AW prior to starting New Earth, I found the New Earth began to add new depth to AW. However, it has been quite a load trying to do both. The good news is I'm almost done AW (at least this time through, I hear its a useful tool to revisit every few years as you reach different stages).

Also during this time I finally got a new contract and my mother was down and had her surgery. So its been a busy time period and as usual, one of ups and downs in relation to mood, thoughts, attitudes and reflection.

I finally this last week determined to stick to my JC plan more fully and see if I can really get rid of a few more pounds and get myself off of paying for JC food. I do want to get to the point where I am eating a lot more whole foods. That feels right to me, so unwrapping a little plastic dish and sticking it in the microwave isn't quite what I'm looking for but it is just a tool.

So back to my soul searching, I really really love both books!!!! I have had some huge aha moments. For example from AW I got that I use Food not only as a solace, and reward, I also use it to punish myself. In fact that is likely closer to the truth then the other too. That I don't deserve to be healthy or thinner so I eat to punish myself. Hmmmm

I have had such a HUGE aha with New Earth (mixed with AW) about dealing with jealousy, negativity, sorrow, anger etc etc etc. Certainly am still far from perfect however I have had such times of serenity, calm and peace that I know I'm on the right track. I knew they were problems but somehow I couldn't let go. With what I have gotten from the books I have had those time periods where I have been able to step outside and let that stuff go and realize that it truly isn't ME that is experiencing that, that its my ego, that my true *I* really isn't mixed up in that. What that means for me is that I'm not truly the horrible person I felt like for continuing to feel those things no matter how hard I tried to make them go away, replace them etc. Its truly just learned patterns for me that continue to bring up those thoughts in me. So, I just need to continue to notice those thoughts, not JUDGE those thoughts (that one is HARD) and realize.. I am NOT my thoughts, that I am truly larger then those things.

Such consciousness is also aiding towards the eating as well. I have also been watching "I can make you thin", one of the reminders was about eating consciously. He said "We are always thinking of food all the time (overweight people) EXCEPT when we are actually eating it". So the concept of consciously eating is something we always hear but do we ever do? hmmmmm. The funny part that I realized in conjunction with all this other stuff was that I truly didn't know HOW to be conscious. I thought is was something else, probably more about paying attention to the food. What I've realized is, its about being conscious of ME.... and me beyond just my mouth and digestive system but about being conscious of the whole me while I eat. Its making eating (WHEN I remember to be conscious LOL) a different experience.

No real "results" to report after all this. Just how I'm feeling inside more and more. Far from consistent and far from "perfect" but.... deep breath, one thing at a time.

Clinging to positivity with every last fingernail

2008-03-04T22:11:00.000-08:00

These days appear to be all about breathing deep. Whether its not sticking completely to plan and knowing that I'm off enough to stall any weight benefits, or measuring myself feeling like it should be down because I feel skinnier only to have the measurements bigger... or wondering whether I can afford any food this coming week (JC food that is) because I've been out of work too long and am really going to have to tighten up.

There is the strain of waiting, yet enjoying the lifestyle of being at home and yet for example today being bored. And so I hold onto sanity and any positivity with a tight grasp these days. Its not that the negative is crushing in.. it is more like whisps of heavy gray smoke waft past my face, just when I'm feeling ok.. to remind me.. uh oh... this could be a problem.

Honestly I don't know where I'm at with weight loss... I'm tired of it all again. I gave up attempting to lose weight for a couple of years because I was tired of how exhausted I felt even thinking about it. Yet here I am again... exhausted at the thought of "planning". So what I am trying to do is just fix a routine, think of it as a routine, don't think too much, focus on other things in your life. Eat the JC food as a habit... etc etc.

If life goes where you focus then I don't want to focus on what a struggle it is to lose weight or how much I'm fighting myself all the time. I need to focus on things that make me feel good and currently this experience is not making me feel good.

I forgot to eat before I went on a long walk this morning (coffee I find curbs hunger so it wasn't until I was 10 min in before I realized I hadn't eaten anything and it was 11am). This is unusual for me. So 60 min later I got home I was starving. On my walk I passed a couple of fast food places.... thought crossed my mind that its been a while since I've eaten that. So I went and ordered my favorite things.. and enjoyed them. Whisps of guilt keep wafting by but I ignore them as that was a choice I made today. Truth is I had a major headache this afternoon, probably from that kind of food coming into my system.

I then had a snack of yogurt (full fat but smaller portion) and some granola.. enjoyed every bite

Dinner was a JC sandwich (actually a lunch) and a sweet potato cooked with a bit of butter, brown sugar, orange juice.

None of these items were particularily smart choices but other then the fast food the portions were not huge.

Onto tomorrow where I shall endeavour to keep my head above water.

Peppy and Perky

2008-02-21T15:49:00.001-08:00

Today is a good day! I'm feeling good, the sun is shining. I went for a long walk. I was a bit worried about my lack of work but I think I'm able to make a decision that worrying about it is not healthy. Something will come up and soon, in that I have faith.

Whatever the reason, there is content in me today. Nothing of any specific nature. Yesterday wasn't a particularly good eating day but it isn't fazing me today.

I love this mood, I love life when I am like this. The great part is a feel a part of today is due to choosing to feel this way. Probably also on some good hormone surges as well, I know what its like to feel like I'm fighting to stay positive and strong. Today is an easy day.

So I just wanted to post to prove to myself that there are great days out there, great days that have nothing to do with any particular event or reason.... they are great days just because you choose for them to be that way. So I am off to enjoy my great day, to breath deep and soak it all in and be grateful for today.

Starting Over

2008-02-17T11:12:00.000-08:00

That's truly the point I'm at... where I literally need to pull up the socks and just start all over again. Yet.... I'm so exhausted!!! I just finished the run of a show and its just amazing the impacts of adreneline on your system. The last few mornings I have woke up feeling like someone drove over me. After some water, lots of coffee and ibuprofen I'm ready to go again for the next show. Except there isn't a next show... a beautiful, incredibly intense experience is over so the hangover is just a bit bigger this morning.

I weighed in this morning and got some more food. I'm up of course... completely not surprised and not even fussed about it really. I'm not even going to change my ticker. I'm so completely bloated and it such a strange place physically that to me its not a true "marker" this week. I'm hoping that after some more sleep and maybe a walk in the gorgeous sunshine we have here on the Westcoast today (did I mention not a cloud?) I will be ready to restart.

I'm having to do a lot of "u turning" of thoughts yesterday and today. Doing this show brought out my best performer and my worst person.....insecure, angry, bitter, self-loathing. I'm still not completely out of it right at this morning but I'm trying to be my objective observer.. pull out of myself to realize a lot of what I am feeling is just that feelings. So then once I'm more on an even keel and I can examine those pissed off, "giving up" feelings on my life. They are how I feel, HOWEVER those kinds of feelings won't get me very far in life and won't make me very pleasant to be around. I'm actually trying to deliberately avoid some human contact right now until I get my head on straight.

I just don't know what straight at this point is all about. As I said, I know what's pissing me off.. its wanting "more" and feeling like I have not been given the skills and talents or looks to achieve more. I have a friend who is a relatively happy person, she talks about how she's accepted her limitations. I realize, I have not... but I don't know if its mentally healthier to "accept my limitations" or to continue to act as if I don't have limitations but then continue to beat my head against the wall of life.

Not sure where this is going... perhaps I need to go and just nap. I just want "complainer Lisa" to away, I just haven't quite figure out the skills to make her do that.

Checking in

2008-02-11T11:30:00.000-08:00

Don't have too much to say but wanted to check in. In a space in my life where I'm thinking of many things except weight loss. Despite that I have seen on my home scale downward so if I can keep that up that will be great. I actually cancelled my weigh in this weekend as I didn't really have time (I would have had to get up really early to make it and.. um ...ew?) as well I am still not working so really going and buying Jenny Craig groceries when I have lots of food on hand didn't appear to be a reasonable thing to do.

Instead I've been working hard the musical I am in. Really really enjoying being part of this process though a very short process by most standards (1 week?). Very interesting thoughts or feelings about where I may go next. Things are changing a lot in my chorus.. that's may in a year or so I will have to rethink what I'm doing there. So then where does that lead me? Don't know yet.

I'm now beginning to struggle with work (or lack thereof) there comes a certain point where you go OMG. Realistically I have an insane week this week and so can't imagine starting a new contract which is always stressful. On the other hand lasting much longer without work is not an option.

So to say I'm in an interesting space is an understatement. Truthfully for the most part it has been a good space, I have been in a very thoughtful, truthful space with myself. I am getting lots of thinking done. Its just the old patterns of thought and action do creep in to cause havoc, so keeping those at bay by deliberate changing of thoughts of saying to myself I'm not going to do and say those things. It gets tiring as that sort of change is not yet habitual for me so diligence is still the key.

To sum up, I do have a weigh in next week, not sure what I'm going to do if I'm still not working (about buying food... I'm also 1 week off of getting my final % discount so I don't want to go too many weeks without buying). Hopefully I will see a substantial loss. My hope is 193. I will just try to be diligent with food, start getting my water back in, and get back to my exercise tapes.

Focus for the week

2008-02-03T13:32:00.001-08:00

Weighed in, managed to shed my gain from last week and part of the gain from the week before. This is despite being snowbound with my Mother for 4 days and 3 family dinners and 1 lunch with a friend (and going to movies) and an intervention of bread and brie. Hmm did I mention I only did one "workout" all week.

Ok so dunno what gods were smiling on me but I'll take it.

This week I am off work or at least Monday I am ;-) Focus will be:
- 2L of water every day, working up to 3 L
- write down and mark off my Jenny menu as a I go, write down any extra food
- 3 "bouts" of workouts.... more if I can.
- Watch some more of my Touchstones for Success, see if the weigh loss flash movie is up on the internet again, it was great as affirmations. Let's get the brain on.

Challenges - shouldn't be a problem if I dont' work this week however if I do. Wed- Fri I have rehearsal from 6pm -10pm and then Sat/Sun from 10-6. On the weekend will have to figure out the taking food thing.

Life on the lam......

2008-01-29T18:59:00.000-08:00

...excuse me while I unbutton my pants... ah there? What's that you say? What did you have for dinner? oh um.. slow cooker polynesian ribs with wild rice. Pretty fab if I do say so myself. See I currently have my mother with me. Certainly she would be fine if I just cooked something for her and then ate my Jenny. Certainly i did so last night while I made her Chicken a la king while I ate my leftover Keg steak. Frankly my Chicken a la king was so good I partook a wee bit myself.

I haven't been horrendus in terms of serving sizes, well except for tonight , the scale has gone back down so we will call Sunday morning a post Keg dinner bloat back up to 200 (grrr). No exercise this week so that is NOT good but somehow doing a workout video with my mother sitting near by knitting holds no appeal. Especially my new yoga booty ballet which is fun if a bit freaky.

Oh well, dessert tonight is a apple caramel blossom baked with vanilla ice cream which was left over from the weekend birthday cake (homemade dark chocolate cake which I made from scratch which was freakin' amazing!!!!)

Tomorrow.. Tomorrow I'll be good... or maybe not. Funny how at this point in time I have absolutely no guilt, and no desire to behave. Must be a payoff for that.... I wonder what it is? Something to ponder anon I'm sure.

Not feeling so spectacular..

2008-01-24T11:11:00.000-08:00

...or particularly gung ho. I'm really struggling this week with the food demons as I am at home and not working. I find that grazing is REALLY easy to do. I also am having a mental struggle knowing that I have a girls night tomorrow (dinner and drinks) and a family dinner at the Keg on Saturday (night before weigh in) that its really hard for me not to just blow the rest of the week off as lost.

Oh mojo where did you gooooo and why do I constantly have to strive to find you. I know I'm sitting lower on the scale, as only at my fattest post dinner to I see a 2 on the scale which means I'm pretty firmly planted in around 197. However 195/194 is what I would like to see.

Breaking it down here are the areas I've been less then spectacular:

Water intake - not being at work with my little bottle and water cooler I'm just not taking in enough
Food - constant snacking, also driven by increased activity, I'm finding it really hard to just sit on my hands. Some of the food choices have been less then spectacular... I can't say I'm reaching for the carrot or the red pepper.. I'm reaching for the usual suspects (chocolate, salt, fat, sugar mmmmmmmmmmm).

On the positive:
- I have been awesome about activity. I figure with being at home there is no excuse not to exercise for long periods so I've had 2 1H+ walks this week ( about 6-7 kms). Yesterday I painted from 11:30 until 4:30 and I can sooo feel it.

I'm trying to reframe some talk inside my head. For example, the phrase "I'm trying to lose weight". As was said at my foundations course this summer "Trying is lying". I'm trying to remember to think/say I AM losing weight. The other alternative which I'm not using at this point is that if you can't commit to saying "I AM" then you say " I am giving my best effort". Truth is, AM I giving my best effort? In my heart of hearts I would say no.

I do have a problem with belligerence, its one of my coping tools, my self defeating behaviours. I was talking about this to someone about how I can get myself into a state and the more people say things to me to try to bring me up or cheer me up or tell me to suck it up the more belligerent I get and the more crap falls out of my mouth as I say things that I don't necessarily mean in order to get a reaction. Classy huh? I know its not a helpful trait but amazing how you can completely ignore what is good for you to fall into old patterns. My friends said to me.. "first reaction, how old are you when you do that". I said 10 although I think perhaps its a bit younger then that, however its totally true, I totally feel regressed into a childhood place when I am in that state. As she said, it was a coping mechanism for me as I was hurt in some way, probably around the age that I am "regressing" back to.

I have done better recently dealing with it however, I notice that it seems to be popping up a bit again. However, I am more clear now that *I* don't find it acceptable anymore to act this way. I used to think there was nothing I could do about it as it was so strong when it hit I often feel like I'm in a prison where I lose all control over my actions and words. I know now it is a habit I can break and something I must break for myself. I also acknowledge that it is an ingrained behaviour that obviously is over 20 years old for me so I recognize that it will take a big effort on my part and a lot of diligence. It really isn't just going to go spectacularly away one day like I wish it could. There is no passive solution. I will have to actively as I feel it coming on take steps, experiment with solutions to find ways out of this "miasma" of guck.

LOL, ok so I have NO idea where that came from as part of my weight loss journey (originally typed struggle, deleted it.. lets NOT define this as a struggle, it is merely a journey). However, it is probably all part of this holistic process I am going through. I'm looking at several things in my life, not just the weight loss. It all means something and it is all interconnected so in some way it is definitely impacting my journey.

As is this, my contract which I have struggled with since I made it. Time to start stating it to myself at every opportunity and have a look at the crap it brings up:

"I am a fearless woman"

Up/Down

2008-01-20T18:32:00.000-08:00

I almost quit today or at least quit for the week. Using the excuse that I am not working so certainly can't afford that kind of money......

excuses really. I had a gain. Considering the meals I had in the last 2 days I more then deserved my 1lb gain:

Fri - egg muffin combo, beef dip & fries and deep fried seafood and fries.
Sat - mandarin chicken salad & fres then chinese for dinner.

Now feeling like a BIG pig.

anyway, up down up down. Not just the weight but the mood and the ability to motivate myself. I don't have the willpower so I get all angry and eat like shit and tell myself its "whatever".

So here is my challenge, being home all the time. That will be pretty hard. I usually have my best success within the structure of working at an office all day. At home I tend to have more trouble because the fridge is right there, the cupbards are right there. Boredom sets in so......

Did It!!!

2008-01-13T15:20:00.000-08:00

Proud to say that was a 4.2lb loss this week. Pretty kicking and so DESPERATELY needed. Now however it is needed that I don't let down my guard. To allow this to propel me forward rather then to signal me to relax which is my tendency. I had a great week but mainly because I never felt overly hungry and I didn't really crave anything in particular. Made it really easy to keep within my calories. So, I should have another ok week I think as I don't have PMS starting or anything like that so I'm not fighting emotions or hormones.

That was the other thing, I was just very calm about eating all week, it didn't turn into a blame game it was just a calm, get 'er done matter of fact focus. So here I go again. One day at a time.... i I go off plan... write it down and see how I can balance it out.

Catch up

2008-01-10T20:55:00.000-08:00

So Mon-Wed I did really well. Was doing well today, in fact not eating enough and as a result found that I have eaten too much for dinner (as well as some Peanut M&M's.... shhhh!).

Actually though, its been a very interesting week for me. I haven't been fighting to stay on plan. I have not really been hungry at all. I have also been training at work so found I haven't been eating my planned snacks on time... huh? So if this eating 6 times a day is what is preventing me from snacking how come I'm doing better when I have a longer break between food.

Or I'm just on a good roll this week and once I hit some type of PMS or in a bad mood it will all go to hell again.

Huh interesting thought. Regardless I have 2 more days essentially to keep on plan I should see a loss on Sunday... so I better suck it up princess!!! This is the goal, this is the more important item for me to focus on. Do I do this or do I do this huh?

As an evening for dieting

2008-01-04T21:52:00.000-08:00

It was a complete loss. We went for Indian Food tonight at an absolutely amazing little resto down on the strip in White Rock (the garlic Naan was omg pillowy garlicky goodness) and the food.. oh ma gah!!!!

As an evening for the soul however, it was so nourishing. Out of the 7, 6 of us had been through Foundations so of course the talk naturally turned that way and people talked about how they were living now, which processes had meaning etc. I mostly listened, I admit I have been feeling a bit lost recently as to the progress I had made from that amazing weekend. This renewed that if nothing else I have added these wonderful people into my life. They also made me bring back specific memories of other people that were not there and what they meant to me.

I realized I had essentially set aside my contract, ignored the fact that I stated that "I am a fearless woman". I had put my contract paper away, perhaps just thinking that really it didn't have meaning or it was too hard or I don't really understand how to get there from here. I mean many people would look at things I've done and things that I am able to accomplish and think that I don't have fear. However, I don't feel fear for "normal fear" things, I'm not afraid to jump off planes, dive and swing across canyons, climb glaciers, perform or speak in front of hundreds or thousands of people. That doesn't faze me.. I enjoy it... but there are so many other ways that are "normal" for other people that I freeze, I feel dread, blocked stopped. I haven't seen progress, felt progress in overcoming these items. I feel essentailly that........... I failed.

So interesting was the fact that of the 6 people that went through Foundations 3 of us had the same contract..... huh. As they say, there are no accidents. I realized that my role tonight was to observe was to look at these other 2, look at their differences, look their similarities... see how they are living their contract... the one that they under similar circumstances burst forth with that word... Fearless. What did that mean to them, how hard was it. Now we didn't get through all of that but I did listen a bit to what it meant to them and for how one of them... she was about to outgrow it and move on to her next.

What this all boils down to is the awareness that this contract was never meant to be easy, it was not meant to be a great fit that I thought it should be. It was right precisely because it is so hard..... precisely because I have no idea how to get there.....precisely because in that moment of deep, personal, highly charged emotion that is the word that exploded from my soul.

So if it is not causing a flicker in me in my day to day, that I'm not facing it that it isn't at the forefront of my mind it is not because it is not right. It's just that it is easier to play ostrich, that I process things slowly, so it was never going to be an instantaneous transformation. Finally, it is because this is going to take a lot of work, this is going to have to push hard and hurt etc. to find what it is that is the next version of Lisa... the FEARLESS Lisa.

Day...2?

2008-01-03T20:09:00.000-08:00

So on plan for the 2nd day in a row (except for veggie dip.. hey I'm weaning here). Two Litres of water. Diet Pop has made its way back into my diet so I'll tackle that next. Exercise so far is:

Monday - 1 H walk
Wed - 15 min of cardio
Thur - 1/2 H of walk
ok so no toning in that.

I... argh... will try try to get up and do 1/2 H of cardio before work tomorrow. Tomorrow night I will be off plan as I am going out for Indian food with a bunch of girlfriends *BLINKA*BLINKA*OK major danger here HA! Ok.. going for.. um portion control? I'll try to have something right before I go so that I don't get all scary ravenous.

PHEW.. then Saturday will be major water.... I think I will cut down to 1200 cal (I am on the 1500 cal plan) just to try and balance a bit more.

I sit here watching X-weighted... sigh they don't take candidates from Vancouver, I'd have to move to Toronto or Victoria or Halifax.. haha.

I could do last 10 lbs bootcamp, its filmed out of Vancouver, however a friend told me its a bit warped. She's on an upcoming episode as the person who made this woman's wedding dress which is too small for her. She got coached to say kinda horrible things (she was not impressed but she did it for her client). Anyway, the promos have started running (it airs later this month) and you can hear her saying it apparently.

Ok so no, I'm doing this in the privacy of my own self, friends, and this blog.

So there ya go :-D

Ok.. not quite over

2007-12-29T11:45:00.000-08:00

LOL, funny how fast the sched can fill out. Have had a blast visiting with friends... mmmmm well only one really revolved around food (omg greek food yum). However the reality is is there is some work to bring my appetite under control.

Today should be good on plan, tomorrow should be close. As of yet I have no plans for NYE but that could change quickly. Likely NYD will have some visiting occur. ... or NOT and that is ok.

Ok "fun" is over

2007-12-26T21:26:00.000-08:00

The evening of the 26th, the party is over.... still new year's to occur but as of now I have no plans. I realize that as the days have been passing I have given myself the luxury of just focusing on the now, the holidays etc.

However, the "itchiness", the uncertainty the.. holy crap I don't know what I am doing next. Its still there, I'm still feeling really uncertain, and scared almost in terms of I don't know what I want or I'm scared to really sit down and think about it because i don't know what it means in my life etc.

So I guess for now I need to face some immediacy, some... "do anything" so I need to deal with some easy things, some "maintenance" things that I need.

So I thought it would be good to make some clear goals.. to get me through the end of January. Here they are:

be below 190lbs
do some sort of non walking exercise - 3X week min. 30 min
do some toning exercise 3X per week
book a dentist appointment
find a doctor and schedule a checkup
Organize with my friend to go to a speed dating evening
Attend one community theatre audition
Send in my REF application
Work on Dynamix certification by setting a consistent study time 1X per week.

I have more but let's be realistic, even that is a lot.

Weigh In

2007-12-23T14:35:00.000-08:00

I guess a gain of 1.4 isn't bad considering all the extenuating circumstances of this week. I told my JCC basically its all about the maintain and for 1 more week but after this.. its shite or get off the pot... seriously. I don't quite have the strength of mental programming yet to say that its about the "company" not the food. LOL its sTILL about the food right now to me. Perhaps by next year I will have the skills to do that.

Anyway, here is a reality check
My Weight Chart:

'Twas the Night before Weigh In

2007-12-22T23:00:00.000-08:00

'Twas the Night before Weigh in and all through the house

all things I am craving; more cheese then a mouse

The leggings were hung in the bedroom with care

in the hopes with their lightness a few ounces I would spare

The late night cravings sure to strike before bed

caused visions of sugar plums to dance in my head

As I looked down at my disappearing lap

I thought I best just go settle down for a long winters nap

When in the refrigerator there arose such a clatter

I sprang into the kitchen to see what was the matter

I whipped open the fridge door and it landed with a crash

a serving of potatoes (with milk and butter, a nice mash)

The moon through the window shone on the object below

Now it seemed to seductively taunt me and even to glow

When what to my wandering eyes should appear:

But an container of gravy, upon which I could leer,

With a lovely brown colour, so rich and so thick,

I knew in a moment I must have a quick lick

More rapid than eagles the courses they came,

And I whistled, and shouted, and called them by name;

"Now, chocolate! now, ice cream! now, deep fried bits!

On, cheezies! on pretzels on, chips and dip!

To the end of my fork! please hear my call!

Now munch away! munch away! munch away all!"

And then, in a twinkling, I heard such the proof

The groaning and moaning my conscience aloof.

As I stared at my feast, the remains on the ground,

I whimpered in sadness, oh what a pathetic sound

I flew to the bathroom, a mirror I must look,

I saw with my stolen food I looked like a crook.

I had a broad face and a little round belly,

That shook, when I cried like a bowlful of jelly.

I was chubby and plump, and I looked like an elf,

And I made faces in the mirror, annoyed with myself;

A wink of my eye and a twist of my head,

Soon gave me to know I could have no more bread;

I spoke not a word, but went straight to my work,

And turned on my pilates video; though in shadow I must lurk,

And laying my foot aside of his nose,

And in this position I supposedly arose;

I sprang something in my back, and gave up in a whistle,

And I crawled my way to bed feeling more prickly then a thistle.

But I finally exclaimed, as I turned out the light,

"Happy Weigh in to all, and tomorrow I'll make it all right."

A post to post

2007-12-20T22:24:00.000-08:00

Just a quick check in as to how I'm going. Realistically it isn't looking like a weight loss week this week. I certainly haven't gone off the rails by any means and that in itself is a win but I certainly am not planning closely my "extras" to fit them in. I've never quite come to terms with this idea of remaining on plan through the holidays, I guess partially I haven't quite given up the notion that the holidays are NOT about food. As if to eat on plan in a healthy manner would mean that I was depriving myself of some experience some how.

A fine line. As I've said, I have done what I consider excellently. I am having no more then one meal tha tis "far" off. I haven't been eating a lot of extra treats, in fact for the most part I have almost completely ignored most of the treats I have made. I actually have very little urge to indulge. Another win that I am grateful for.

So there you go.... however after the "holiday" I really need to make a decision as to how serious I am about this weight loss thing. I can't see giving up, but to continue to pay the money I am paying and not follow plan JUUUST enough to maintain and not really lose or to lose at a minuscule rate is not doing anything for my ego or pocket book.

On a practical plan I am seriously tempted to buy the Turbo Jam videos.. haha I'm such a sucker for a good infomercial and they actually look fun (lol). In fact there are a few JC's doing those videos and have had positive reviews... so we'll see. :-)

That's all for now.

Ow my head

2007-12-16T17:21:00.000-08:00

So... somehow all plans go to shiiite when alcohol is involved. Only showed a small gain today which is fine although I've been seeing a loss all week. And yes it is entirely possible I consumed that many calories last night.. lets see there was rum & coke, martinis, wine, a shooter, then a couple of more random frou frou drinks.... at only the best establishments. Plus mega food

Alas I am hurting today and looking at an extremely social week. I would really like to see a decent loss here but it comes down to what do I want more? How much do I want need that loss to occur then, my behaviour has to begin to reflect that ideology.

Holding Steady

2007-12-11T20:24:00.000-08:00

Ok pretty good day today. Other then a peppermint mocha which I've taken into account I am on plan.

This is better then yesterday, I went out for Dim Sum for lunch, bought by work, one of those situations where it is pretty hard to control the menu. However, I can control what I eat and this is where I didn't do such a great job. I did stop but then with all the food left I continued to place items on my plate.

To counteract (and plus wasn't feeling well) I only had a fruit cup for dinner. But then after a rehearsal for Christmas, being at Jane's she fed me a glass of wine plus some crackers and cheese (ok rainforest crackers with mango jam and mango and ginger stilton..omg).

Today was steadier, probably helps that I continue to have a sore throat it is reducing my desire to eat. So basically:

Today:
On Plan
Water: 2 L done (1/2 L to go)
Walk - 1/2 h
2 treks up and down 5 flights of stairs.

A milestone of sorts

2007-12-09T11:42:00.000-08:00

I think no matter which weight loss program you choose there tends to be a mythical milestone for those that has to pass it. It is commonly referred to on most message boards as Onederland, the passing out of the weight zone of over 200lb into any number starting with 1. Well, while I have seen that number occasionally teasing me on my home scale over the last 4 weeks I was finally able to line it up so I saw it on the Jenny Craig scales..... 199.8. Woohoo, good thing I went to to the bathroom. LOL. No I am happy but its definitely one of those things where diligence will be key to see that that number in the 1XX remains for next week. As well, if I can get it down to 197.2 that would be the 20lb mark.

It has definitely been an exercise in patience as when I first lined up my "mini-goals" I was going to be 10 lbs further on. Apparently, in order to do that you have to follow plan... what a concept!!! Oh well, this time I have been really thinking about the mind in all of this, that is definitely my key element to get in line before I get the food and exercise. It continues to be. They say what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, so I look at it this way. The more I have to struggle in the weight loss and make my way through the shit before I get to goal the better prepared I will be to maintain my weight loss... forever. To truly change the things that have been holding me back, that have kept me fat all my life.

Deep thoughts LOL!!! Oh well, some key reminders. I have received within the space of a week, a picture of me sitting in an inner tube in a bathing suit, a pic of me a month ago taken from the side in which I was wearing one of my favorite shirts which tends to me body skimming. It is double layered in the front which tends to smooth out the lumps, put this pic caught my back from the side and I was able to see all the rolls this shirt shows up my side. Finally, I saw the video of me in a black dress in which I thought I looked and felt really hot and sexy in..... I didn't look bad but I despaired when I saw on video my face and my unshapely arms and shoulders which were left bare by this dress. Its all fuel on the fire baby!!!! All fuel.

Ah

2007-12-08T11:43:00.000-08:00

The joys of being a woman seem to be impacting me today... sigh. On the other hand I slept for about 10 hours last night. Just puttering now.. half dressed (half jammies, half jeans) but then realizing I should go have a shower. What can I say.. its a sloooow morning. I have no milk like substance in the house so will have to venture forth to find coffee...soon. And while I'm out I have errands to do so there.

I am doing something neat tonight, going to a drum circle.... should be fascinating. I'll update tomorrow.

LOL

2007-12-06T21:13:00.000-08:00

So I had a nice cheerful blog planned and its still going to be good. I made the mistake of watching a DVD of the first half of the show I just did. Overall pretty good, some technical glitches, some people not where they were supposed to be.. some singing oopsies but overall it came accross really well considering the complexity and the lack of... some essential tech. Oh well...

As usual though I watched me... overall I looked ok, better than I usually think of myself on film. Then there was a 1 minute dance/comedy sequence that I do. In it I wear a black Marilyn Monroe style dress... boy I had some thoughts of how I felt I looked. Watching it though, MAN the demons came out and well lets say its good for determination because.. yeah. I also had some feedback for myself in terms of the piece and how I would "improve it" ha yeah that's a good way to put it. So there you more of less all on the positive. Actually not being that negative (for me), trust me, this is an improvement.

So, so far so good. Since my birthday I have stuck to food plan, all water in. I didn't get exercise in yesterday but I got it today.. so yay me. I see the scale settling back to where it was and where its been hovering for 4 weeks (for good reason). Now its time to see it go lower and tgo be able to put on that black dress, watch a video of myself and really say... yup... I'm hot. Yes others told me I did but...while I thought I looked ok, there were a few.. ahem areas of improvement that were really eye opening (and some I can't do anything about... I can't make my neck longer can I?)

Anyway, all good all fine and we'll see what the scale says Sunday. Also about time to get the measurements done.... we've somehow ended up missing them since the end of month 1. I have felt a big of loosening but not huge yet.. however, I will get there... evenutally.

I really, really will. To not, is no longer an option.

Quickie Update

2007-12-04T19:13:00.000-08:00

Well, I appear to be on the upswing haha. I had a major self talk with myself yesterday to get me out of my pity party of my birthday and then I had a great time with my friend last night... a great reminder to me that .. many things are only in my head.

Eating wise this weekend was a disaster.... yesterday alone. MCD for brekkie, huge edo japan for lunch then a double cheeseburger, onion rings and a blizzared for dinner followed by popcorn and diet coke at the movie.. holy crow!

Today, so far on plan... so far.. so good.... :-D 1 day (check)

Reflections on a week in limbo

2007-12-02T12:05:00.000-08:00

As I slowly begin to arise from my daze..... and begin to look around I am a bit overwhelmed by all the things to do. So.... some of those things will remain.. aloof for now.

I finally pulled our Christmas decorations, packed up 2 years ago. The majority I bought while still living with roommates in Burnaby, I moved it out to Langley where I used it to decorate the apartment 3 years ago with some of the stuff and then I was moving out at Christmas. I got rid of one tub of stuff. Last year I was at my brothers and all my stuff was in storage.

so I pulled it all out and discovered that a lot of stuff didn't go with my new place :-P I had planned a trip out to the $$ stores to see what cheap jems I could find (I am pretty good at coming up with some creative xmas stuff from cheap). Unfortunately, it is mega snowing, I have about 6 inches in my yard. As anyone knows.. at the first sign of snow here, you go into hiding and stay off the roads away from idiots that don't know how to drive (like the idiot that was spinning in the parking lot and then pulled in behind us and tailgated us... since he already proved his lack of traction this concerned us somewhat).

Well, tomorrow is my birthday and I'm struggling with the thought that my Norm is to eat whatever I want....and I keep thinking, if I'm so committed to weight loss should I not "have a strategy" to sort of keep on plan. I guess right now I feel that food is the only way to celebrate my birthday. I've had a few people ask me what I'm doing for my birthday. Nothing I tell them.... what else can I say. I haven't the ambition to plan something for myself. I do every year. I just don't want to do it this time. I..... I guess I have to admit that I'm really disappointed that not one person has said to me... "can I take you out for dinner or a drink or....".. nothing. I am vaguely talking to a friend about going to a movie tomorrow night, so hopefully I have got my birthday night covered with SOMETHING.

See this is where I struggle... DO I have to hit people over the head? Maybe I do, I just hate doing it, and yet at the same time I get pissed that not one person wants/can go out of their way to do anything special for me. I was just looking at facebook at a "friend".. she just put pictures up of obviously a birthday party and cake.. her birthday is today. And... it PISSED me off. I haven't had a cake made for me.. most years. The last was my friend made me cupcakes for my 30th birthday (for which I didn't have a party) BUT I treasure those cupcakes. Oh well, as I said sour grapes... the whinings of a 32 and 364 day child going on 5 years old. WAAAAAH... there I'm over it. On the upside.. I have a fabulous message on my voicemail that made me cry which I kept to listen to tomorrow.. over and over.... thanks guys!!!

Back to "diet"... I canceled my weigh in this morning due to the snow and had a phone consultation instead. Was fine because I was already have to going to admit that I already had most of the food I needed for the week.....plus I maintained which was my so-called goal this week so.. meh not worth fighting my way there.

I really really don't know what I'm going to do. I know the success of weight loss comes from constantly picking yourself off the ground and keeping going but I admit to finding it harder and harder to keep my eye on the ball. What is the alternative? give up, remain the same freakin' weight that I've been all my adult life. A weight that I hate but for some reason am obviously "comfortable" at. Do I give up the idea of for once in my life feeling slim and toned and energized and... hot?

These are the questions to ask now I guess :-D For now... keeping on keeping on.